The weirdest thing happened to me last night

It was weird, frustrating, controlling, manipulative, and jus so not what I needed as I was working on something that I hoped would diffuse a stressful situation (from all signs, so far it has so at least the interruption and loss of energy hasn't seemed to have been hurt by it).

My daughter, who is a very low key emotional girl (yeah, she uses that to manipulate things, so she's not completely innocent) had this friend who is a complete Type A, in your face personality, she has to be in charge of everything and can do everything better.

After a very stressful two year friendship, my daughter has tried to end the friendship. What happens then is this other girl tells the others how rude my daughter is. It has caused my daughter to have minor self harm behaviors (she pulls out her eye lashes) and moderate to major anxiety attacks ranging from migraines to near cattatonic states to raging manias. In a family where moderate mental health issues are the norm, it's not a good thing.

Anyway, the mother of this girl and another stopped by my apartment at nine o'clock and demanded to talk with me about the children. She had four things she wanted to ask about and didn't want me to interrupt.

It ended up being mostly about me and the way I handled things with the exception of one incident that I did not know about. I listened. I agreed where I agreed and explained a few things that needed further explaining.

What got to me was she expected me to discipline my daughter for a transgression but expected me to believe that her child was a saint.

The two incidents in question:

1. My daughter let the air out of her daughter's bike tires. Was it wrong? Yes. Would I have disciplined my daughter had I known? Yes. In the grand scheme of things, was it worth a trip at that time of night to confront me? Considering there was not permanent damage done, no.

2. At the end of a four hour car ride for a school field trip, the other girl bullied my daughter when I could not pull over for a bathroom. My daughter can hold it longer than anyone I know, but this girl was going out of her way to talk about water and pee in any way she could and finding it funny. She had been asked numerous times to stop by myself, my daughter and another girl in the car (the daughter of the other woman who came to my door last night). Finally my daughter screamed at her, in tears, to shut up. She told my daughter that she can't tell her to shut up. So me, I get angry at this point, turning around while still driving, and yell, "No, but I can, Now SHUT UP!" If we had not been so close to home that it was not worth stopping, the girl would have been out of my car. It had passed from teasing to bullying.

She's the same girl who tried to get the neighborhood boys in trouble during a squirt gun fight. She'd stand their with a squirt gun in hand and say she didn't want to get wet, when she got wet she'd go to their parents' and tattle. After listening to this to the point that she was getting the boys angry and someone would get hurt, I went out and addressed her behavior with another parent who heard the same thing. (Her mother wanted to talk to me about that because she cried to mommy the boys were shooting her in the eye. Not true, because I heard my daughter telling her to put the squirt gun down and leave the fight area if she didn't want to get wet.)

I slammed the door in the woman's face when she expected me to discipline my daughter for the bike thing, but when I told her that I expected the same with the bullying, I was told what a sweet wonderful polite child her daughter was. Anyone remember Eddie Haskell?

__________________
Perspective Alters Reality

Wow, I can understand why you're upset. To be confronted at your door at 9pm at night about this kind of stuff.

My eldest is a bit fiesty sometimes, but I pull her up a 3 for anything that appears to be bullying behaviour and she's pulled in line for it and teach her how to handle the situation in very simple terms.

Yesterday she did me proud when in a situation with 4yr old girl who was trying to boss her around(pulling at her top, trying to make her play were she wanted to play in the playground it was looking to turn into something ugly any minute when I was watching them,) ; she gave girl Condor glare but didn't punch her and shove her roughly away like she usually does. Instead she just glared, got the girls fingers of her jacket and went to play on some other equipment and ignored the girl when she approached her to play again.

I felt finally I'm getting somewhere! She understanding to walk away or get an adult.

Its harder work with a strong willed child but well worth it. I know I have one who falls in line fast, delicate and just does as she's told most of the time and the other one is a Condor....Beautiful girls, just need direction thats all.

For me, I would have wanted clarity but not at 9pm. I would call the next day, set up a time for coffee without kids and discuss whats going on between the girls, more so if I know the mother or think she's a reasonable person. After all my daughter has fist fights with a little boy who's 4 and who is as strong-willed as she is, ( I'm not proud of that by the way, but it happens when she clashes with a kid sometimes, she's 3 and is still learning its wrong to hit other kids because they annoy you etc,) they clash badly, I spoke to his mother about it last week and she appreciated me explaining my observations of them playing together how it starts etc, (I didn't pin it all on her son,) we now work together to bring to pair of them inline with the fighting, because they both start it most of the time, through the course of play.

If the parents unreasonable about (going for coffee, or just talking about kids clashes) that then to me its a case of plan B...not sure what that is yet...LOL!! I haven't been in it.

I agree with Candi, it was wrong of her to turn up like she did, that just bad form for something thats really between you're girls as friends, and could be sorted out eventually through good advice from school or parents.

__________________
Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up- Pablo Picasso.

Wow - so not a good thing to happen at 9pm! SHe could at least have phoned first and checked if you were there.

The problem I've sometimes found with these kids who bully is that they do know that they're doing the wrong thing and deliberatelyl lie to their parents about what they've done.

Kids aren't dumb. As most parents know, they'll say just about anything to avoid being punished, and are probably the most accomplished spin doctors that you will ever come across!

I'm sorry that this is stressing you out, Ame! Feel free to write some goon-butt kicking to try to work it out!

__________________


"When I'm old, I don't want them to say of me, "She's so charming." I want them to say, "Be careful, I think she's armed." -G. Stoddart

Kids are constantly underestimated. Esp. by those who don't have any and don't work closely with them.

What drives me nuts is the people who will believe their kid's solo word against the testimony of several others -including adults. Sounds like the kind that hit your door, Amethyst; her child can do no wrong and the world is out to get them. Can't reason with people like that, and I admire your daughter for getting out of that 'friendship'. In the long run, it could only be destructive.

__________________
Candi

Hollywood is a land of money and cowardice.

-Henry A. Lee, Cracked.com columnist

I can so relate to this. My daughter talks tough, but she's actually a pretty good kid, for other people. She's had issues with the local bully girl almost since we moved into this neighborhood. This girl has started rumors about her, threatened to beat her up, even basically challenged her to fistfight. My daughter simply chose not to show up for that one, even when they called her cell phone and harrassed her.

I had a conversation with the girl's mom, after getting the number and a recommendation from the school to do so. The other girl's mom was one of those that knows her child can be bad, but not how bad. She wears rose-colored glasses. All I heard was how hard Alexis had been working to get along with everybody and that it all had to be a misunderstanding. Yeah, right. Alexis is now in the districts alternative school, which at least means she doesn't ride the bus with Amaya anymore. We just have to deal with her in the neighborhood. It makes for a long summer because Amaya doesn't like to go anywhere by herself, and she doesn't have many friends near us because of this girl and her friends, because she worries that she's going to get jumped.

Do I think my kid is perfect? Hell no. Do I believe any parent that says something cannot be their child's fault at all, Nope to that one too.

Hugs Amethyst.

Thanks Garnet. I think some of this comes from the baby-boomer generation and the "we all need to get along" philosophies that are grounded understanding human emotion but not understanding human development.

Children learn from a very early age to push limits. There's a reason beyond the simple phonetics that No is one of the first words a child will learn. As they get older the limits change and they learn to get sneakier about it too. Heck, I think I'd be more worried if I knew my kids weren't doing anything wrong because I'd be wondering what they were doing that I don't know about that could be really wrong.

__________________
Perspective Alters Reality

So she not only shows up at your house late, she wants to air her dirty laundery in public? What a piece of work.

Good for you going through the school. And I'm glad they've been helpful. Some aren't; I've been there. Fortunately for only a year.

__________________
Candi

Hollywood is a land of money and cowardice.

-Henry A. Lee, Cracked.com columnist

Wow...as a teacher, I see it all the time, too. It amazes me how some parents are in total denial about their own children, but are anxious to jump all over other people's kids. There are some crazy people out there, huh?

I can't believe the woman would have the nerve to come to your door at 9:00 ranting and raving like that. She should've at least waited until morning...

It sounds like you are well rid of them...

__________________

There is no problem that cannot be solved with time, patience, and a judicious amount of high explosives.

I hope not either. I also hope this doesn't wreck whatever friendship you have with the mother.

As for Miss Snooty 'my child can do no wrong':

__________________
Candi

Hollywood is a land of money and cowardice.

-Henry A. Lee, Cracked.com columnist