Spreading the Ebil

Two of my best friends are going through divorces. My oldest bff, we've been best friends off and on since middle middle, has been painful to watch as her ex works with my hubby and her daughter is a year younger than mine. It's worse as the day after the courts finalized the divorce the a$$ married his pregnant girl friend (though he still claims that he wasn't seeing her while they were married; despite that being his MO).

Well, bff is learning to be truly ebil (I think she learned it from me. In school she envied my confidence, which is mostly bravado; and I envied her social skills, which I've learned as an adult are mostly submission). Her darling ex asked if he could have the kids Saturday, as Sunday's Father's Day. His custody days are Monday and Tuesday and he works on Sunday. Bff said no problem with Saturday night, but they need to come home Sunday morning.

When her daughter asked how come, she wants to fix breakfast for daddy, she answered, "You can still fix breakfast for daddy. But it's father's day not step-mother's day; you can't spend father's day with daddy if he's working."

Knowing the evil ex, he's probably been complaining to anyone who will listen that my friend won't let him have the kids for father's day.

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Perspective Alters Reality

I'm afraid that's where my friend's kids are heading once the step-baby is born. They'll think it's all great until the baby gets older and they notice that the full time kid gets daddy's attention and the step-mother blames them for every thing.

Of course, this baby is the miracle baby (she couldn't have kids supposedly, after all she only has one ovary). Bff and I laughed over that. I learned that I was pregnant with my youngest as she miscarried twins after invitro (she doesn't ovulate). Her kids are miracle babies; she had to go through so much to have them and could have lost them at any time.

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Perspective Alters Reality

It's a pity these things happen, and even more when the kids are the most prone to be hurt and involved! And, I cannot but be stricken at how much it's easy to fall in this trap, nowadays ... since I left my full-time work, around six and a half years ago, I've learnt that five couples, among my friends, whom I've always seen as going steady, have separated during this time, all of them having kids of various ages! The cause ... it's always the same ... one of the partners, or the other, was too weak to fight temptation!

Amethyst, no wonder your best friend is learning to be ebil! She must have gone through a lot, and she also must be prepared to be more courageous because there still seems a lot to struggle ahead for her, from what I'm reading! She's fortunate to have a friend like you, though! Your support is precious!

Garnet ... I'm sorry to hear your story! But, you transpire strength and knowledge of dealing with life! Keep in mind that a good person is always rewarded! And, your ex seems to be having what he deserves! I'm sure you weren't that bossy as his present wife! Let them know what they've lost! ... the same happened to my ex-boyfriend, who showed me hell! Today, I chuckle when I think with whom he has ended up, and I cannot but think that he was not the one worthy for me! At least, I was fortunate enough to become aware of his true nature before I could have made the mistake of getting married with him (we already had some plans in mind!)!

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To be or not to be a gatchamaniac - that's the dilemma!

It's sad to watch what happens to children in these situations.

My cousin has three children under six, the first from a previous relationship. If you went to his house you would see a list of rules and consequences on the refrigerator for the kids.

Funny thing is that they are all about what the oldest boy isn't allowed to do.

Apparently his half sister isn't capable of being a total brat to her older brother....

I dread to see what it's going to be like for the oldest boy when the youngest starts to talk...

Needless to say, I don't see my cousin very often.

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Exaggeration misleads the credulous and offends the perceptive. ~Eliza Cook

If I ever split from my hubby (which if it hasn't happened in the last few years, it's not likely to happen), I probably won't ever marry again. I might live with someone, but not even in common law. I'll keep my car, my own finances, etc. And it definitely will not be with anyone who has kids younger than twenty. I've raised mine (will still raising two and one will be perpetual -- semi-independent at best), won't do someone elses.

I love kids, but would love them even better when they leave at night to go home.

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Perspective Alters Reality

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Perspective Alters Reality

The only problem with the genetic testing thing is, I'd never have had my wonderful daughter. I have an inherited condetion that has a fifty/fifty chance of being passed on. My ex had the same situation just a different condetion. We would never have been allowed to reproduce. Interestingly, she has neither condetion as far as we can tell. She may have some characteristics of his, but it's not the full-blown thing. Thank goodness. I understand mine and can deal with it, but his is much more pervasive and harder to handle.

Yep, having grown up in the "disabled" community, I've seen so many people that have made, are making, and will make great contributions to their family, friend and others that it is hard to think about a world where they might not have been born because of something they would have had no control over. My bff is a perfect example. She can't see for squat but she graduated from high school at the top of her class, 3.91 GPA, went to Ball State then transferred to Michigan State where she graduated with a 3.75 GPA. She now homeschools and teaches English in a home-school co-op. True, her problems were from a birth defect and not genetic, but it was something that nowdays would have been seen early and a pregnancy derminated. But the emplications are similar.

Okay, I'm going to go write some more on my sidebar story. This puts me in the perfect frame of mind to work on it.

I feel for you both - I have seen first hand how difficult it is to raise a child that is different in a society that can be so unforgiving...

I have also seen the two types of extreme parenting that goes with it.

Two young autistic boys left in childcare for 11 hours a day, six days a week, because their parents didn't want to deal with the fact that they had two children with issues... Please bear in mind they refused to get their first born son diagnosed until after they had gone and had another (austism is far more common in males and if you have one son with it, chances are high that you would have another).

A Down's Syndrome boy who was completely loved and accepted by his parents. Who had refused to allow the authorities to lock him up in an institution. Who's mother had quit her high paying designer job to be able to spend as much time as possible raising him. Who only sent him to childcare for 6 hours, five days a week, so she could concentrate on doing the commission jobs from home which kept food on the table.

Want to guess which family was happier?

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Exaggeration misleads the credulous and offends the perceptive. ~Eliza Cook

The second. And the Down's child will flurish to the best of his ability while the autistic boys unfortunately will not.

I swear up and down that if we had the knowledge of Billy's disability early on, about preschool age, we could have handled him much better. At first we thought he was simply gifted, walking and speaking were on target, speach flowed into short sentences shortly after first words (which were a three word phrase); learned alphabet and numbers early. A very visual learner well ahead of his early preschool classmates. He did not show any behavioral issues until about four when he stopped napping and the school insisted on forcing it. Issues with peers started around Kindergarten/first grade.

At that time, from the behaviors we witnessed and known familiy history, we and the doctors looked at ADD/ADHD the behaviors fit and there was a document family history of it.

Between fifth and seventh grade is where the real concerns started. Where his peers were developing emotionally, he was not. Someone pointed us toward Asperger's Syndrome and the school fought us in supporting a diagnosis -- no sense adding more labels to a troubled child, but we went ahead anyway, and it took several visits to his psychiatrist and one trip to the behavioral peditrician to have it confirmed. Since his diagnosis, we've learned that there is also a famility history of Asperger's/High Functioning Autism.

AS/HFA are virtually identical in the DSM. While HFA usually requires some speech delay, AS does not. Both affect Non-verbal, social/emotional communication. As a seventeen year old, Billy does not realize that he is not normal because he would rather watch TV all day and has no friends his age. To him, his classmates are all freaks and geeks that bear no resembalance to him. All of his social understanding comes mostly from TV, despite our best efforts to limit access -- we don't even have cable.

AS/HFA are harder to diagnose early than lower functioning autism as the lack of speech and repetitive behaviors may not be as predominant. Not to mention that anything that effects social/emotional development is truly is not diagnosable until the development stalls as early on the signs can mimick so many others (particularly true with ADD/ADHD and early bi-polar or early BPD).

My SiL (the Keyop fan) is a pychologist with alcoholism, drug addiction, ADD/ADHD, AS/HFA, Bi-Polar, OCD, and other anxiety disorders so rampant in the family can you imagine the conversations around our dinner table?

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Perspective Alters Reality