Help

Wibble time for this little Swan-turned-wedgetail ...

I've mentioned before that I have a brilliant child, who has appaling behaviour.

I've done everything I possibly can, and used every available suggestion to try to correct things when Joshie goes astray ... but nothing works.

School was initially proving good for him. He was learning astonishingly fast and enjoying himself. He was making friends and was settling down....

Until a few months ago... Things started on a downhill slide. He's bored in class and appears to be acting up in a spectacular manner.

There is not a single day that he doesn't end up with time out. He's swearing. He's hitting. He's not listening.

The teacher has said nothing to me about it -- I get this information from Josh when we sit and talk after I get home from work .... I had to phone the teacher in a panic when on three consecutive days, Josh reported he was violent to other kids. Day one-- pinched a girl. Day two -- spat on one. Day three -- punched one in the stomach.

When I finally got the teacher, she said: "Oh it's nothing. We had one of his teachers off for a week and the co-op student left, so he was disrupted. Nothing to worry about."

I was mortified ... I am NOT going to raise a bully, so I need to know when he does this so I can deal with it now, not later!

So ... report comes in. He's brilliant and very highly advanced for his age group -- he just doesn't listen. "We will gently remind him to listen"

Then comes my little man not wanting to go to school -- horrifying for a mother of jr kindergarten child to hear.

Teacher thinks nothing of it.

His behaviour is worsening. We can't handle him at home, he screams, he hits, he swears, he gets violent.

But nothing from school, so he must be okay there ...

Until today. His teacher cornered my SIL (who looks after him when I'm at work) to tell her that Josh has no friends at school, that none of the other kids like him .... then leaves it at that.

I've had no note. No phone call. I am in the dark...

I've tried talking to Josh to find out what's happening. I see him with other kids when we go out, and he's fine with them. In fact, many of our friend's kids absolutely love him .... of course, they are all about three years older than he is, and he seems at their level. Aside from his tiny stature, you'd think he was in their age group with the conversations and fun.

He is an energizer bunny and does get hyper-excited when in play ...

I considered ... gah ... ADHD(?) ADD(?) ... but that would suggest no focus at all, right? When Joshie gets focus on something, he is unmoveable... like, sure, he loses focus like most kids (think the dog ... pant pant :RABBIT: pant pant :RABBIT ... But when he finds something intriguing, he has unbelievable focus ... You can't get him away from it. So it can't be that, right?

Oh ... I don't know. What do I do, guys? What options do I have to try and settle this brilliant little fella and get him to behave at school? (and when we're out, and at home)

When I asked him about his apparent boredom, he shrugged and told me that he already knows what they're teaching.

I am going to try and speak with the teacher tomorrow to ask what she suggests and why she wouldn't notify me when Josh is being a shit ... and then just give a cryptic message of "he has no friends" on a random day...

This is disjointed, I know, but I am just a freaking mess right now. My heart breaks for my little man ... he knows he is disliked and it hurts him... What hurts him, hurts me ... but I know I can't demand that kids be forced to like him.

Sigghhhhhhh

Any advice?

Please, mums, help me out here...

Thankee

SJ

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Sighhh

Why do men snore when lying on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their butt holes and they vapour lock.

You probably should have your son tested. Then you will know whether or not he has some sort of problem and figure out what to do about it.

Can't advise you about the teachers, though. My kids go 'meow.'

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Benefits, not features; benefits, not features

Oh SJ! Oh babe!! * huggles* I thought Joshie had gotten over his bolshie phase.

It sounds definitely like Joshie is gifted - and as our one and only Springie is our specialist in this area she's probably the best to advise.

However- there is absolutely NO excuse for the teachers not telling you of any problems. I mean, you woudl have had the same as me, that when you did ANYTHING wrong at school, not only did you get the dreaded note sent home, but mum also got a phone call about her shit of a child.

It sounds like he's taking his frustrations and boredom from school out at home - whcih it's up to you to nip in the bud and teach that such behaviour is not aceptable in any way shape or form.

Don't threaten him - just tell him what will happen if he does the wrong thing. When he does it, don't say anything, just take the action you told him of. It shows him that you do mean what you said.

The bullying worries me - but if it comes out of boredom and a reaction to being actively disliked by other children, then there's a reason behind it. Doesn't make it acceptable though.

Honestly - it souds like he needs a new school. If he shows up as in the gifted range, then you need to find a school that is sympathetic about that.

Joshie sounds like he is more mature than other kids his age, so actually may benefit from skipping a grade or so and being put with kids who are mentally on the same level as him.

Lots of huggles, babe.

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"When I'm old, I don't want them to say of me, "She's so charming." I want them to say, "Be careful, I think she's armed." -G. Stoddart

Does Josh truly want to make friends and can't? Or is it that the other kids are just blocking him out? Did the kids in his class all know each other beforehand or did everyone start out the same way?

He's an only child, right? Has he spent most of his life surrounded by adults? I know you said he's friends with older kids, but in his day-to-day life, outside of school, does he play with kids his age? I ask this because it sounds like he's having a bad reaction from considering himself as an adult to suddenly being thrown in with, well, kids. Being so young, he probably wouldn't know how to deal with it, so it's possible he's acting out -- and getting the attention he wants from adults.

I'm saying all of this because, as an only child myself, I remember it being very hard for me to transition from a household where I was the youngest (but considered myself just a short adult) in a quiet environment to being forced in a roomful of kids. It was loud, it was terrifying, but instead of acting out, I threw up just about every day. One day, I even broke down in tears because I just wanted to go home. I was six and couldn't take it. I made friends, but not well. I didn't "get" the other kids and they didn't understand me -- sometimes literally. I spoke like an adult and loved words -- the longer the better. Yeah, I was so not popular.

I'm not a parent, but I do have my MS in communicative disorders and the best advice that I can get you is this -- take Josh to be checked out by a speech pathologist/behaviorist, if only for your own peace of mind. They can do tests to determine if the problem is a social one, a pathological one (like Amethyst mentioned), or if he is just truly gifted and needs to be in a different environment that can meet his needs so that he doesn't have to act out. Every child is different, and sometimes adjustments have to be made so that the child can reach his full potential.

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"It is a rare man that is taken for what he truly is...We are not always what we seem, and hardly ever what we dream...." Peter S. Beagle

A child can be both autistic (Asperger's) and gifted at the same time. I have two spectacular examples in my own classroom this year. I don't know what their IQ's are, but one of them is definitely a genius. The other has Asperger's, is gifted and also has a learning disability. He is quite quirky, but a great kid.

From what you've described, Josh definitely sounds "gifted". He completes tasks quickly and correctly, gets bored...
Does he have a genuine love for learning? Does he ask a lot of questions? Does he seem mature for his age? Is he an independent worker (doesn't need much help?) Does he prefer to work alone on tasks?

and...just so you know...it is typical for a gifted child to have trouble socially. Because they think differently (out of the box) they often find it hard to "fit in" or to work cooperatively in groups. I have regular class meetings with my students to talk about those issues.

I highly recommend the Hoagies gifted site...tons of info including how to identify signs of "gifted-ness".
Hoagie's

Also, there are a lot of great sites out there that explain Asperger's Syndrome. It really seems like an epidemic. Now I am hearing that 1 in 90 children are diagnosed with it (most are boys).

[URL=http://kidshealth.org/parent/medical/brain/asperger.htmlAsperger's Syndrome[/URL]


Asperger's Characteristics Checklist

This may or may not describe Joshie...but I thought I'd give you the info so you can check it all out and see. I know all of this may be overwhelming to you!

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There is no problem that cannot be solved with time, patience, and a judicious amount of high explosives.

I suppose it all comes down to getting a correct diagnosis early means that any problems can be solved before they become bigger - and also easier to put in train the correct educational needs as well.

My brother is ADHD, but it was many years before he ws diagnosed properly.

He was actually part of a major Univerity of Queensland study during the 1970's (he was born in 1969) and 80's when ADHD was being recognised.

He has refused to take drugs for it since he was about 13 or so - mostly becuse he couldn;t be bothered remembering taking them. But he's a real pain to be around becuase at the slightest frustration he completely flies off the handle.

Suppose it just goes to show that these problems never do really go away, but the whole family as well as the sufferer have to learn how to live with them.

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"When I'm old, I don't want them to say of me, "She's so charming." I want them to say, "Be careful, I think she's armed." -G. Stoddart

You've gotten a lot of good advice here, SJ, but I would definitely go with what Amethyst said and have specialists look at him. I don't know how it works in T.O., but here the school district will do it, even if the child isn't school age yet.

Another thing I would suggest (since you're hearing about all of this third hand) is that you spend a day watching him. See if you can take a day from work and accompany him to school. Watch how he behaves, and how he deals with the other kids. Then you will have a much clearer picture of what he's doing, and perhaps a better idea of how to deal with it.

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Sighhh

Why do men snore when lying on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their butt holes and they vapour lock.

This will sound a little odd but ... have you considered enrolling him in a martial art?

i say this because my husband runs a couple of judo schools and has a number of children in his classes with ADD/ADHD and autism. Some of them he's taught for years, from children into their teens now and the effect of a disciplined, rule-driven, competitive/cooperative environment is astounding. most of the children have been able to come off their medications entirely - the physical and mental focus needed by a martial art often helps them regain a sense of control and accomplishment that they don't or can't get anywhere else.

they expend energy (in the case of judo, bucketloads of it), they work towards goals, they train for competitions, learn that losing is often more important than winning and at the end of the day, they teach it to the newer ones coming in, to help out "sensei".

... my $0.02 canadian.

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Trample the weak. Hurdle the dead.

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There is no problem that cannot be solved with time, patience, and a judicious amount of high explosives.