Work

I had a horrible day at work thanks to one person - who managed to completely stuff my day without actually being present.

When I got home I wrote a couple of e-mails.

For some reason, I feel like sharing - probably because they make me smile... (stop reading now if you're faint of heart - I AM not known for my forgiving nature).

You have to bear in mind I work in the office of a supermarket and am responsible costing wages - and paying them.

Today was also classed as a public holiday, so our employees are paid at 250%.

*****

Hey, babe,

I sent this to matty (produce manager) when I got home today. I'm rather proud of it so I thought I would share with someone who would be able to understand my frustration with our nightfill manager.

To give you some background, pays were finalised on Thursday - any changes from 9.30am thursday morning had to be done manually, by ME, as the only person in the store with access to the payroll program, and by the time I left today.

I was supposed to leave at 11.30 to save wages - this I offered, because quite frankly I couldn't be stuffed. At 11.45 I entered the last of the payroll changes that I knew about. 15 minutes over, but I really didn't care.

I walk out of my office and into the lunch room to come face to face with a guy I KNOW wasn't getting paid for working today.

Turns out, X (the nightfill manager, name changed to protect the guilty) got him to come in.

I got the store manager to contact me, told him that X (sneer) had got an adult casual to work a day where we're paying 250%. This guy was going to cost over $50 an hour for a three hour shift and I hadn't costed it into the wages...

Store manager - not amused.

So I goes back into my office and change the poor guy's wages so he will get paid for today - it's not his fault his dickhead boss hasn't got a clue.

I walk downstairs and say goodbye to the store manager when out of the corner of my eye I see someone else I know isn't getting paid for today.

I freak.

And swear, and grab the store manager and point and tell him that there's another one I didn't know about and can I please have X's (no sneer, I was spitting by this time) balls on a plate please.

Store manager - not amused and considering my request.

He inquires about another person he has seen.

I seriously go nuts.

Three people, costing around $450 for the lot, all asked to come in by the fuckwit nightfill manager and with no documentation whatsoever....

I go upstairs, say fuck the rules about having my bag in the office and enter them into the computer so the poor bastards got paid.

I return to the store manager, I don't even use the word please and my request for said balls is denied under the assumption as Store Manager he gets first shot.

I argue.

And win.

I leave. It's 12.30....



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Matty,

Seriously. He is one dead ranga when I get my hands on him. (ranga is short for Orangutan, Aussie for redhead)

I'm gonna reach in and grab his tongue and use it to tie him to the door handle.

I'm then gonna stick two pencils up his nose.

The type with erasers on the end. Don't ask me why, but they must have erasers on the end.

Then I will conduct an experiment.

By pulling his head backwards by the pencils, I will seek to find out what will tear first.

His tongue or his nose.

My money is on the pencils breaking.

So I will replace them with two quarter inch steel rods.

I'm sure my dad will be happy to lend me some.

They may be eraserless, because by then I will not care.

When I have results of my experiment, I will promptly march down to aisle 10 and take a packet of gloves off the shelf.

In medium.

And silver-lined - I think I will be feeling daring by such time.

And I will not pay for them.

Once I have purloined the gloves, I will put them on.

And then I will use the blue scissors I have in the office to remove his scrotum from his body.

Assuming he has balls, I will then display them tastefully in the lunch room.

On a bed of lettuce.

Which I will pay for, so you will get the sale.

By this time I assume I will be feeling vindicated.

So the store manager may have what's left.

His words were "I'm gonna fucking kill him."

Hence the title of this mail.

Hope your day has been pleasant thus far.

Mine has been Hell.

Tuesday, on the other hand, is looking bright. I should be able to find the right pencils by then.

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Exaggeration misleads the credulous and offends the perceptive. ~Eliza Cook

Memo to the produce department: Hide the machetes.

And we all know that idiots, fools, and that peculiar being with cranial-rectal insertion have a disproportionate tendency to end up in positions of authority. This is usually because the workplace radfahrer is never recognized as such by the people in charge. (A 'radfahrer' is someone who sucks up to superiors while browbeating and abusing subordinates.) They think they're seeing a take-charge sort of person.

There was a guy like that at one place I worked. Thing is, I could never put it into words without sounding like a whiner. I was relieved to find that others shared my opinion of this man. Yeah, there's a punch-line: after a co-worker made very specific complaints about this guy, he was promoted. I don't know if that was a coincidence or not, but I don't think it was a coincidence that my co-worker quit shortly afterwards.

And then there are the twits who think Survivor is a management training tool. You know, as if encouraging backstabbing, game-playing, and other morale-destroying behaviors is a good thing.

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Benefits, not features; benefits, not features

It's an Aussie thing, Springie. Over here redheads also get called "Big Red" - after a brand of tomato sauce - and Bluey.

Don't be insulted - in Australia the more offensive your nickname, the more esteem you're held in. We also tend to shorten everybody's name - My real name is Megan but I mostlyl get called Megs, and you'll notice that for ever SJ has referred to me as Mads (shortening a short!).

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"When I'm old, I don't want them to say of me, "She's so charming." I want them to say, "Be careful, I think she's armed." -G. Stoddart

I'm sorry you had such a bad day, Green, but your emails are hysterical! You have such a great way of expressing yourself! (not sure if it's the Aussie way, just your personality, or a bit of both!). I hope things go better for you in the coming days!

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Hinotori
Eagle in Charge

me? Mad??? Good thing I love you, Ste.

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"When I'm old, I don't want them to say of me, "She's so charming." I want them to say, "Be careful, I think she's armed." -G. Stoddart

My 20 month old niece is a 'ranga', as is my older sister. It's not meant to be offensive, just descriptive - and, as Maddy said, it's actually a term of endearment (yes, I know, trying to understand the Aussie way of showing affection is a tad difficult).

Okay, so I wasn't being affectionate when I called the nightfill manager one.

The Aussie language is so convenient - a single word can be an insult or a term of respect!

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Exaggeration misleads the credulous and offends the perceptive. ~Eliza Cook

Hmmm .... in West Aussie, we call red-heads "Blue".. mainly due to their supposed Irish/Scottish heritage and the legend of the fiery temper..

Blue, obviously refering to the term aussies use for a fight.

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Sighhh

Why do men snore when lying on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their butt holes and they vapour lock.

I can understand why you were irate, Green, being in charge of budgeting and then having this nightfill manager needlessly squandering wages. But between you and the store manager (but mostly you!) it sure sounds like he's going to suffer...

Let us know what goes down on Tuesday, and if it involved pencils and scissors!

Thank you all for your words of support - and encouragement (here I was thinking that it was only me that had a vindictive streak the size of Uluru...).

The friend that I sent the mail to sent me a text. His wonderful mind works so beautifully I sometimes regret he's gay...

Here it is - I certainly got a giggle.

"I can just see the press release:

Y supermarkets stands by it's decision to have Mr X summarily dismissed and castrated.

We see no reason to chastise Ms green as, in accordance with company policy, the cost of the spoon was taken out of the store budget and Mr X's manager and HR rep both attended the disciplinary action."

God I love that man...

Anyway, come tuesday the nightfill manager will be on the receiving end of a 'discussion' with a store manager that has just had his butt handed to him by the powers that be for overspending on wages.

I will have the bed of lettuce waiting.

__________________
Exaggeration misleads the credulous and offends the perceptive. ~Eliza Cook

Can't beat my boy for being able to make me laugh when I need it most, usually by coming out with even worse things than I was thinking!

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Exaggeration misleads the credulous and offends the perceptive. ~Eliza Cook