Gloomy, gloomy, gloomy

This isn't easy for me to discuss. To me, what I'm going through seems almost petty compared to what some other folks are experiencing. (I don't need to give any examples, do I?) And where do I begin? Should I start with what I need and then explain why, or do I start with what's been going on and end with what I need? Should I go ahead and write this, or will this all turn out to be pointless?

As I'm beginning to write this, it's a dark, cloudy day. There's just enough snow falling to let me know it's miserably cold outside. (It makes me think of an old cartoon that shows a poor waif of a girl standing on a sidewalk. Her clothes are rags, and she's shivering as she tries to sell pencils to the people who ignore her as they walk by.) I've lost count of how many false starts I've had, how many times I've broken down and cried, how many times I tried to quit and then dragged myself back to this.

I'm sure some of you have already guessed that I'm feeling down....really, seriously down.

It's been almost four months since I've gotten out of the nursing home, and I still need help getting in and out of bed; my right hip has deteriorated so much that I can't move my leg to lift it high enough. Even though I have an aide come in the mornings to get me out of bed, my uncle still comes in the evenings to get me into bed, and I'm afraid that's becoming a serious burden to him. Also, I discovered last week that my hip now makes it virtually impossible to get in and out of regular cars; I'm just going to doctors' offices because the medical transport companies are the only ones with wheelchair-accessible vans.

The on-again off-again ulcer on my lower right leg is still there. It's neither gotten better nor worse -- it just drains constantly. So, next week, the wound doctor's going putting a skin graft on it. But people I've talked to have decided that my right leg's going to get amputated, since I've already lost my left leg. Apparently they have it on good authority that God isn't about to give me a break in that department. (So what if the biopsy that was taken a couple of weeks ago came up negative?)

I haven't heard anything about the poems I've submitted, and it's been almost eight weeks for some. This isn't typical for my work -- the editors I've submitted to usually take two or three weeks to respond to me. And I've come across a couple of discussions connected to some of the places my work has appeared -- it looks like my work is quite forgettable. (If it wasn't good, I would rather have it bad enough to have a cult following instead of it being forgettable, a total waste of time and effort.)

And to top all that off...well, I need to confess something to you all: for most of my life I've been dealing with high functioning depression. (A couple of you had figured this out a couple of years ago, but I didn't talk much to you about it since you'd gotten a huge pile of manure dumped on your plates.) I'm sure some of you are saying, "What the heck do you mean by 'high functioning depression'?!" Well, it's a lot like classic depression, except I don't break down -- I'll continue to eat, bathe, pay bills, and so on...though it all seems pointless and I might have tried sticking my head in the oven if it wasn't electric.

I've heard lots of people say how good talking to a therapist can be and what a great experience it's been for them. I'm really happy to hear that they were able to get the help they needed. Unfortunately, that hasn't been my experience. The times I've tried seeing a therapist, I've ended up racing home to stick my head in the oven. (And then I feel like a total moron because I've forgotten that I've always had electric appliances.)

So, that's a basic overview of what's going on with me right now...can anybody find a sign that the light at the end of the tunnel hasn't burned out?

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“There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them." --Ray Bradbury

I hope you have few good people around you. It sounds like a rough ride for you over the last few years especially.

People have stereotyped ideas on what depression is suppose to look like. I hope you have something that helps lift you when your feeling this way.
Even a rant to get it out can do wonders.
Higs EW. Xx

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Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up- Pablo Picasso.

First: Huge *hugs* to you!!!!!!! Your pain is just as valid and worth help as anyone else's. I'm glad you're willing and able to talk about it with us. I'm sure I'd be completely overwhelmed in your place.

Second: I'm sorry that you're going through this. It sucks in so many ways. *Hugs* again.

Third: *hugs*

Fourth: A very realistic light at the end of the emotional health tunnel ... We're now in the biggest mental health crisis time of the year. The holidays are emotionally brutal on people for a vast number of reasons. That fact on top of everything else you're going through certainly can't be helping. The holiday season will pass, though.

A fun thing to look forward to: While the Infini-T Force show is close to completing, the movie comes out next year.

*hugs*

Fifth: I wish I had some magic advice to offer and make everything better. I started writing a bunch and then reminded myself that that's not what you asked for.

One suggestion I do have, though, is to consider mental health peer support. It's not the same as going to therapy and you may find it more to your needs. I'm not sure what's involved to be able to access it where you are, but I did a quick web search and "mental health peer support georgia" brought up a number of solid-looking resources.

My husband has worked peer support for a few years now and I've seen what it can do. I don't want to overwhelm you but I'd be happy to answer questions about what he does. I will say that everyone who works peer support (here at least) has mental health issues of their own. That's why they're peers. If/when you feel up to looking into it, this site seems to be where to start, or you could talk to your doctors for a reference:

Georgia Mental Health Consumer Network

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Eagle Whisperer

Many many many big big big hugs. Like everybody else, I wish I could make your problems vanish, or just hand you the perfect solution.

It does absolutely suck to have a chronic condition that basically all that can be done is palliative care.

But - you do have your sense of humour (and a fine one it is) and that does help a lot.

All I can say is that we are your friends and we will be here for you. Have you tried contacting a social worker to see what other help you can get?

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"When I'm old, I don't want them to say of me, "She's so charming." I want them to say, "Be careful, I think she's armed." -G. Stoddart

LOL I don't know why I have it in my head that you're in Georgia! Still, a similar web search would work.

I'm glad that you spoke to someone. I hope you have a better experience with this therapist. Having someone not really listen to you sucks, especially when you're baring your heart like that and feeling so vulnerable. If necessary, don't hesitate to tell them that you've had bad experiences and so are extra nervous.

*hugs*

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Eagle Whisperer

LW -- yup, still there! Thanks for the booze and chocolate thoughts -- last night I kept thinking how I missed having Dad's Dirty Russians...

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“There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them." --Ray Bradbury