amethyst
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I am a Condor.
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Registration Date: 15-07-2009
Posts: 6248
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| quote: | Originally posted by Becky Rock
Bribery hasn't worked for me. We used to pay our son for good grades. $5 for a A, $4 for a B, $2 for a C, nothing for a D. It impressed him when he was younger, but did nothing for him in high school.
Holding back on getting him a car didn't work. Good grades = car. He got to use ours to get to and from work, so it didn't matter to him for a long time.
When someone can crack the code of kids, let the rest of us know. Even though we've been there, our experiences at those ages just doesn't seem to relate.
Hence their look of total shock and horror when you tell them you didn't have a microwave when you were their age because they didn't exist yet. |
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Because we are in phone obsessed world, using cell phones as a reward withholding them as a punishment will work with some kids.
I don't know that our experiences don't relate, but because of the prevalence of instant mass communications, social networking, and educational programs designed to teach children how to protect themselves, our children are far more savvy than any other prior generation, and they have no fear, believing they are in charge.
One thing to keep in mind, since schools are teaching children they can report abuse, many children have learned they can use that against their parents, no parent wants those allegations even if they are unfounded. While laws vary from state to state or county to country, most still require some burden of proof: bruises/unexplained injuries, lack of food, water, clothing etc, poor school attendance, etc, and most CPS organizations are overwhelmed, so most parents have nothing to fear even if a visit is made. I had a neighbor call on us because my porch was cluttered, and my son had bags of recycling that we had yet to take to a center (there is none in our town, so it takes a couple of hours).
What we need to do is figure out how to reclaim our power as parents. I know in my household that is easier when at least one of us is home; however, economics are stacked against single-earner households.
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Perspective Alters Reality
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28-02-2014 23:26
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jublke
Forum Legend
I am a Condor.
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Registration Date: 24-10-2009
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Actually, things are worse at the moment, but it's not anyone's fault. My daughter was just throwing up blue jello on the floor as my husband is packing to go away on business. I am losing my mind. Already apologized to all three for yelling. On the plus side, they are not vexing me at the moment. And I got everything cleaned up, Chloroxed, and Lysoled and my daughter and me showered.
I really appreciate all of the advice. The phrase "taking back our power as parents" really resonates with me. In my case, I know we have the dial tipped too far toward the kids and their activities, but it is so hard to strike a balance. I want my kids to feel more empowered than I did as a kid, but sometimes I worry that I've gone too far, too soon. As I tell my kids, we are destined to make the exact opposite mistakes of our parents, because we are trying so hard not to make their mistakes ...
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 "The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing." -- Blaise Pascal
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01-03-2014 02:22
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k2p2
Babbling Loonie
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Registration Date: 08-12-2011
Posts: 2490
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Whew..parent of two, 18 and 20 now, and what I call "Solo-parentis," since hubby travels weekly (leaves on Sunday/Monday and weather permitting home Thursday night)
Numero Uno--get those lines of communication open. Cell phones are a godsend for the absent parent to chat with said child daily...especially the son. Nor do you need to be privy to the subject of said conversations. Likewise, when the eldest was having 'trouble,' in one of his courses, Daddy came along on a conference call with the teacher as all "four," of us sat there discussing the issues.
As a caveat to this we had one rule. I didn't bother my kids all the time with calls and texts..However, I DID expect them to answer when I did...IMMEDIATELY!!
Numero 1(a) Listen! Listen! Listen! Wasn't it the Dalai Llama that once said. "We do not listen properly to hear what is being said, we wrongly listen to reply." One has to
listen to what it NOT being said just as much as to what is
2)Yes you can be overscheduled. Especially in the winter months. Find and create car pools with like minded parents, they are a godsend.
3)Let your kids make mistakes. It is so hard to see them stumbling around and not really seeing the forest for the trees, but in the long run, unless it involves carceration or a long hospital stay, it seems to work better for them to fall flat on their faces unimpeded every once in a while.
4) Middle School is the worst. It is a hot bed of angst, hormones and self doubt as your kids try to figure out where and how they fit in. Lucky for me, when I pushed for band, they took to it like fish to water. (Again, carpool, and yes, in the carpool your kids may be exposed to things you may not like, but that is just how the world is.)
5) Lastly, thank the goddess...don't ever forget about yourself. You need to know who and where you are at all times, and that yes, you yourself need to be forgiven cuz you are going to mess up. Be sure to cultivate interests and friends outside your children's home/school sphere..and hopefully outside of whatever church you attend as well. You need to do stuff for YOU...alone.
As I've watched my kids grow, it was really cool to see less and less of the child, and more and more of the adult emerge. I've apologized for my past failings (my son and I used to fight/argue hard, not physical, but a lot of yelling enough to scare my daughter) and there have been just as many times where my eldest lad has come to me and said, "Mom, you were right."
I've also come to really hate the way I hear some kids talk to their parents at the place where I work. I just would not put up with that. Likewise, I hear just as much parent chatter when the kids alone should be calling the shots.
If you need to vent/shoulder to cry on...don't hesitate to PM me. K2-out.
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The world looks less difficult when standing next to a close friend.
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01-03-2014 12:03
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