Losing my marbles... HELP!!!

I'm so sorry for bending everyone's ears with my troubles... Normally, I wouldn't, but right now I don't have anywhere else to turn. I don't have much of a support system (if any) in real life... and I don't know what to do...

I guess I should start with my biggest issue... I've... got some health problems. I'm hesitant to say because of the stigma surrounding them, but... I'm bipolar, I have OCD and horrible anxiety. So when problems start building up, those health issues get worse (obviously). And right now I've got some big problems...

Over the years, I actually had some physical health issues that caused me to miss a lot of work and that caused a lot of financial problems that just keep getting worse all the time. Right now, we're so screwed, it'll take the light from screwed billions of years to reach us. Sadly, I'm not exaggerating... I'm unable to work because of my own health (my mental issues and needing knee replacements) and because my youngest was also diagnosed with a mood disorder and I'm pretty much the main caregiver for him.

My husband is working a full time and part time job Monday to Friday and sometimes on Saturdays, so he's rarely home. When he is, he's either spacing out on the TV, dorking on his phone or sleeping. I understand he needs some time to himself, I really do... But he'll spend time with the kids, talk to them, hang out with them, and I get ignored. I'm a piece of furniture to pretty much everyone in the house. Even when my husband suggests things, like Friday when we all went to the carnival, to do something together, it's like we're not together. He still ignores me... Friday, he didn't seem to want to do anything other than walk around. He didn't want to look at things, play games... When he did play games, he got pissed at them. He didn't even hold my hand... And when it came time for fireworks, I purposely left room between me and my oldest and my youngest sat next to me on my other side. Do you think my husband sat in the empty spot I'd purposely left? Nope... He sat on the other side of my youngest and didn't even notice how hurt I was. My youngest had to tell him why I was upset and that he hurts me all the time. That's sad... It's not like I haven't talked to him about how he's been treating me. I have, he just doesn't seem to listen. Even when I tell him we're not doing too good, he looks at me and gives me a dismissing wave, like I have nothing to worry about.

I'm also very isolated... Like I said, I don't work and haven't for a long time. Instead, I devoted my life to my home, my husband, my kids... Now, my oldest has graduated and he's now working full time where my husband works. My youngest has a job, also. It's part time, bussing tables and sometimes being a dishwasher at a diner close by. Everyone has a life but me... And we only have one car right now. My husband's car need some fairly minor repairs, but instead of fixing it so I can have my car back, he keeps driving my car and is going to give his to our youngest son so he can fix it up and use it when he's old enough to drive (which gives him a little less than a year). Sometimes I think he does it on purpose, to keep me locked in this house... Obviously walking places isn't going to happen when you need knee replacements. And we live in a "hood" that I would love to get out of, but we can't. Our house is worth less now than when we bought it because the neighborhood has gotten so bad, so we can't afford to get out and move somewhere nicer. It's a shame, I found a great house in a better part of town that's affordable and more than perfect. But we're financially stuck and any other options require help from family and none of them will do it.

Even the few friends I have... they don't bother with me much, even when I try calling or texting them... So I have no friends, an inattentive husband and kids... I can't even go to my therapist appointments because my husband has been working overtime and needs the car. And with the kids more grown up, I don't know what to do with myself. I'm having a major identity crisis, I don't know who I'm supposed to be anymore or what I'm supposed to do. And I feel very alone...

I'm sorry for venting so much... I just needed to get it out, I suppose. I'll be okay. Thanks for listening (whoever actually read all this rant).

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Rant away, that in itself can be very therapeutic, and I'm sure there'll always be someone here to read it.

I'm sorry your life is tough at the moment, but I'm positive it won't be forever. I've recently come to the end of a pretty tough time myself. (It took my having a heart attack to get to the end of the tunnel and I sincerely hope you don't get to that stage, but it was what it took to finally make my family and professionals sit up and take notice.)

You can't and shouldn't have to cope with everything alone. Do whatever it takes to get the therapy you obviously need, and try to persuade hubby to get some too. Can you get a therapist come to your house?

There will be light at the end of the tunnel, but for you right now it's too far away to see. Have faith in yourself and you will get there. Remember, when you've hit rock bottom, the only way is up.

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Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement; nothing can be done without hope. - HELEN KELLER

Please don't apologise for venting. As you can see, many of us will listen and offer whatever support we can. Being able to express what you're going through in some way, and have someone tell you they are listening can be really important in itself.

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with all this stuff. Unfortunately I don't think I can add anything to the advice others have already given. I agree that getting to your therapy sessions, having a car you can use, and having an outlet/hobby will be good steps forward.

My only suggestion might be to ask one of your husband's friends or co-workers if they have noticed a change in your husband's attitude/behaviour. Maybe if he won't talk to you, or a therapist he would talk to them. That might not be a huge immediate help to you, but it might help him deal with something that he is holding back from you?

Sending lots of love, and hoping you will soon see improvements.
I offer endless virtual hugs.

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"First things first, but not necessarily in that order." 4th Doctor

Have I ever told you guys that you're all the greatest...?

You guys all had some great ideas! Sadly, some of them I've tried... Like the med situation. I see my shrink every 3 months because it's about a 30-45 minute drive from here, we have to take highways to get there and I DON'T do highways... I've had some scary moments on highways, like people pulling what I call a Fred Flintstone (all of a sudden, bam, they're in front of you like their car can move sideways) and once I had some jackass in a pickup that started to move into my lane without even looking (I was in a tiny Geo Metro) and I had to blow the horn to wake his dumb ass up. He looked startled... What a dope. So my hubby has to drive, he's pretty aggressive where I'm not. Anyway, the doc is nice, if I think I need to see him sooner, I just call and they get me in ASAP. The problem is that he would rather not up my meds if he doesn't have to because he doesn't want to keep cramming me with chemicals. I get it, I don't want that, either. And if it's just a rough patch that will pass, why give me more meds? But since things aren't getting better with me, I may have to talk to him about it again. I see him at the end of the month, so I'll ask him then.

As far as public transport, I'm screwed... I live in this tiny little hick town in eastern Pennsylvania (like, if we have a population of 3,000, I'd be shocked). No busses run here, the only taxi service is in a large town 20 minutes away (and it's a very scummy town, like inner city crap) and my therapist is also 20 minutes from here. I'd never be able to afford it. I could get some government assistance, I'm sure, but it's so difficult for anyone to get anything here in the US because of all the people who have abused the system all these years. They do have medical transport, like mini busses, but I don't think insurance covers it and it's expensive as hell! Not only that, but they pick you up when it's convenient for them to do so, same for picking you up. So I could have to ride all over creation for hours before they get me to my appointment and I may have to wait there hours before they pick me up and get me home. It's not a good option... I wish it was.

And yes, not having a car is more than inconvenient. One day, I was having these horrible chest pains, left side, under my arm. I figured it wasn't a heart attack because I had pain nowhere else and it came and went. So I called my family doc and they wanted me to go to the emergency room, but it was almost noon, no one was home with me. Took them forever to convince me to call 911 to get the ambulance to come and I was terrified in the meantime. The pain was horrible! But some part of me screamed "anxiety attack". Turns out it wasn't, it was pleurisy (an inflammation of the sack surrounding the lungs) but that can be dangerous if it causes your lung to collapse.

So yeah, being stuck here alone and isolated has major drawbacks. I feel trapped here and sometimes I think my hubby does this intentionally, either because he figures I don't need a car or to go places because I don't work or he's doing it so he knows what I'm doing and where I am all day. I literally have control over nothing... He controls the money (which is why bills are always overdue), the car... If I want to buy something when we're out, I have to ask if I can get it because I never have money. I keep telling him, this is why I developed this weird version of OCD. It's my brain's way of feeling I have control of SOMETHING...

I don't want you guys to think my hubby is a bad man or abusive... Well, he's not intentionally abusive. I did tell him a few times that the way he treats me (ignoring me, leaving me isolated, no car, no money...) IS, in a way, abuse. I mean, if I need the car, all I have to do is say so and he gets a ride to work, but he can't always find a way home depending on if he works overtime and I hate driving to his job to pick him up. If he's home and doesn't need to go to work, I can take the car out if I like. And he rarely tells me no if I want something, unless I say, "Ooh, I REALLY like this $400 purse, can I get it?!" He better say no then! But he doesn't always... Crazy spending with money you don't have is a bipolar thing. It gives you a high to buy things and you feel good for a little while. At the time, that's all you want, to feel good, even if it's only for a day. I've told him he HAS to tell me no sometimes because of that, but he doesn't often listen...

And no, he won't go to therapy with me often... Mostly it's because I can only get AM appointments and he can't afford to take off or has no vacation. He has gone a few times, but he doesn't like when I speak my mind. He doesn't like having his faults pointed out to him and once he got so pissed he almost walked out. So therapy is a fail... But it's funny, one of you mentioned talking to his coworkers to see what they think... Just the other day my hubby told me that he totally lost it at work and flipped out. They had no parts in his department so they could finish the product (it's a union job, so a lot of the workers are lazy and fall behind) and when that happens, my hubby's department falls behind and that royally pisses him off. I wasn't surprised that he flipped, he's a hard worker and he hates standing around waiting and falling behind. But he told me his one coworker was shocked he flipped as bad as he did and told him that he needed some Xanax or something. So his coworkers are noticing a change. I think some of it is because his mom died. He never really talked about it much, but I talked to him a LOT, to prepare him for the inevitable. I talked to him a lot afterward, but he didn't say much. It would explain why he's been distant with me. Maybe he's fearful of losing me, so he's putting distance between us? I don't know... I also told him get his testosterone levels checked. He's 45 like me, and when guys get older, their levels can drop and then they get like a male PMS. But heaven forbid that he should discuss embarrassing things like that with the doc. I even told him I'd go along and I would tell the doc. Still waiting on that...

At least I do have some outlets. I draw and paint, but sometimes when I'm in a deep funk, the ideas just don't come. That can be frustrating and upsetting. I noticed that, in the year and a half since my mother in law died, I didn't draw much of anything at all. I'm not sure why, either. I just didn't have the gumption or ideas. Thankfully, my mom got me back in the swing of things... She had me make paintings for a fund raiser her job was having. She even bought all my supplies! And she bought me all the DVDs of "The Joy of Painting", the show with Bob Ross, which is how I learned to paint. So I'm being a little more creative. And I do write... I write short stories (romance stories that are usually a bit dark and tragic, no happily ever after crap), I've been in the process of making a comic, and I have a very personal story I write that's just for me, which is where I usually work out some of the problems I have. No one but me reads that one... but I've allowed friends to read them. Even my hubby read the opening of one story I wrote (he hates reading) and was surprised and asked, "YOU wrote this...?!" He said it was really good. Guess he didn't know I was capable of writing stories...

Anyway, I've rambled enough

Thanks to all of you for your suggestions and support, it means the world to me! You guys are the best!

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Thanks Ebony

I have spoken to him about some of the issues I have... Sometimes it helps, but it's only for a time and then he flakes again. I agree, men are like that. Clueless and often times it's all about them. We actually had a small spat Sunday. Mostly it was about our youngest. He's also bipolar and I'm the one who deals with him 99% of the time, which is taxing. All I want is for my hubby to step up and talk to the kids when there's an issue, but he usually doesn't. That's a LOT to put on me. Well, he turned it around and made things about me and my OCD issue. I thought, "Oh, HELL no!" It went on a bit until it ended because I found a truth I threw at him the he couldn't counter... But the other part of the spat that had to do with the car... I told him I felt like he was controlling me, trapping me in the house. His counter was that he didn't see it that way, I can have the car when I want. Yeah, then have to run him back and forth to work, which I don't want to waste gas like that. Besides, I don't know the day before whether or not I'll fell like going somewhere or need to go pick my kid up, whatever comes up. And if I want it just to get out, drive around or what have you, I'd get the third degree as to where I was going and why. I don't need that, either. He literally can't or won't see faults in himself. It's very exhausting...
You're right, sometimes I do spill my guts out to the therapist and it is too much for my hubby to take in. Last time we went together, I talked calmly about some things and the doc made him feel better about things. But nothing changed... He still thinks we're okay, that I can just "get over" my OCD by stopping the behavior just like that. For crying out loud, if I could do that, doesn't he think I WOULD have by now?! I HATE living with it! He's so clueless...
I'll definitely look into a therapist that will do Skype or something. I can't keep putting off appointments. Not sure if I can do a marriage counselor since hubby is working 2 jobs all week. He already has to take off one night a week for my youngest to go to therapy (and I try to make my appointments for physical therapy for my pinched nerve for the same day so he doesn't need to miss more work). He gets irked if he has to miss work, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

Thanks so much for everything! It really helped!

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Hi Kitsu!

First of all, tons of hugs. I wish I could do something more, but sending hugs is what I ve got

The worse thing about OCD is that others find it so hard to accept it as something you have to deal with. I ve been there... people saying it’s up to me to “get over it”. A therapist helped a lot, so I hope you find one you “click” with and can speak to regularly.

I don’t want to add any cliches, so I ll let it go here. Just remember, you ve got a lot of friends on this forum!

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They were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Naturally, they became heroes -- Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan.