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--- Bullying at school, arghhhh. (http://www.gatchamania.net/threadid.php?threadid=1726)
Posted by CricketBeautiful on 20-03-2008 at 20:59:
Update:
As I walked around the school to reach the door where I pick up my kids, I noticed accused mother in a doorway, well out of the way. I hope I looked away quickly enough that she believes I simply didn't see her. I hate checking every corner as I go around it. I don't want to obviously avoid her, but I need space. This too shall pass, hopefully quickly. She never did come out to the play area. She probably had an arrangement with another mom to watch her kids.
After school the kids were playing on the snow hill. Accused was standing with the adults, so I stood alone. Accused looked at me sometimes. I hope she understands I'm staying away so I don't say the wrong thing. (Yes, I'm more stressed out over this than son is. It brings back very bad memories for me.)
Son was on the snow hill. After a few minutes I called him down and whispered that he needed to give accused time on the hill. He said they had it sorted out. They've agreed not to play rough with each other, because "What really happened was accused didn't understand when I asked not to play so rough." Hmmm, no mention of the year's worth of teasing. Well, if he's willing to forget it, I have to act like I have as well. It's forgotten unless it repeats. Meanwhile, I tried unsuccessfully not to watch him like a hawk.
My only fear now is that one or the other kid will interpret this new understanding as, "Everything is fine and I don't need to be careful." The stakes are really high for each of them. The potential rewards are equally great. Unless there's a problem, I need to limit my interference to prayers. The mom already implied that I was the one who convinced my son that accused was a bully. Uh, my son stopped skating a year ago when she started teasing. He said telling her to stop teasing him did no good. I merely gave him the word and definition.
Accused was on the hill for a bit, but didn't act comfortable there. I pray she regains the right level of comfort.
I noticed he was engaging with the other kids more than normal, and them with him. Huge progress! He's normally like a grade 8 at a dance.
The teacher told me who the witness was. I wish she hadn't; if I let on I know, then there's a risk the accused will find out. (Please! none of you be in my city!) I watched him play near my son. He naturally adapted to my son, without hampering his own play. He pointed out a few things that were happening around them, without "teaching". Son may not know it, but he's a friend. He has two brothers, and all of them are well-behaved and respectful, and enjoy a bit of rough and tumble as well, and know to stop instantly when asked. I'm very happy.
His test went fine. His tummy is better. He did 14 math questions in the mad minute -- higher than any time since "the fall when I was really trying." His record in the fall was 22. This term the average was 5.
I left a pack of antacid with the office, to use as needed, and his teacher knows about it. I put on the form that she was to know when he used it, and to let me know if he uses it more than twice a week. That amount is harmless, and will make him leave a stressful situation. Not to mention what it does medically. If it happens more often, we need to know.
I also over-heard that she's ActingVP again most of next week. Grrrrr. Works great for us, since she has the flexibility to deal with our problem, but what the class needs in the long run is their own teacher! The closer-knit the class is, the more support son will have from them.
A great start to the long weekend! 
Amy, so right about herd-psychology. If one kid stands by and does nothing, or gets hurt and does nothing, they all will. One part of the school plan is to make the bystanders part of the solution. If the herd doesn't approve, the bully loses power rather than gaining it.
__________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space.
In that space is our power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
- Viktor E. Frankl
Posted by kimiko on 21-03-2008 at 17:23:
The upset tummy and nervousness all sounds way too familiar to me Cricket. I had the same thing as a child and even more so as a teenager. I always got 'instantly' better after the test, I guess a release of the anxiety I felt. But I would feel that it wasn't so bad afterward and eventually wouldn't feel sick.
In highschool I only had it for my music playing tests, where you had to solo in front of the entire class by yourself, and public speaking. I guess it was a different kind of test. But it was worse, to the point I would vomit. The psychologist was called in. Adding to this was the suspiction that I was anorexic, which simply isn't true. Again I overcame it. I did get involved more with our theatre/music department....and actually sang solo and enjoyed performing for an audience.
I guess it's something that just has to be learned with practice. For me it was always the hard way or so it seemed. Maybe I had to prove it to myself and that I believe was the hardest thing to do. But it was also the most satisfying. I guess you have to find something he's interested in and build his self confidence.
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Putting the "Con" in Condor....Ooooo... shiny red button!
Posted by stardust on 21-03-2008 at 19:32:
You know, even after all her years of singing and performing, Barbara Streisand still gets stage fright when she sings publically. And she's a pro.
Hope that makes somebody feel better...
__________________
Stardust
A villain must be a thing of power, handled with delicacy and grace. He must be wicked enough to excite our aversion, strong enough to arouse our fear, human enough to awaken some transient gleam of sympathy. - Agnes Repplier
Posted by Ebonyswanne on 21-03-2008 at 21:55:
It natural to get a bit worked up when you really want to be good at something. Public speaking can be the worst for anyone, even the most self confident person.
I hate exams because I get that nervous before them... I get mental blanks on things I know very well...Ahhhgggrrr.
I have a perfect memory, its recall that I have issues with...
Cricket, just start at home with overcoming his fears like that...Ask him to do special presentations just for you and have fun doing it, don't correct him if he stuffs up, just applaud him for what he's done right...he'll get better each time... And let him do mock up tests, fun on the spot questions... make it fun.
Most of all... if he's scared, allow him to know its normal to feel that way at times... but it looks like your handling that very well with him.
__________________
Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up- Pablo Picasso.
Posted by CricketBeautiful on 24-03-2008 at 17:17:
Kimiko, Yep, a string of "it wasn't so bad" is great for building confidence!
It doesn't help that the whole family is overachieving, in ways that people outside the family and school praise, except for him. Father does big projects at work and earns karate belts. Sister does two types of dance. Mother tells stories and writes. Him? He aces schoolwork and builds Lego in his room.
I always knew the material and believed the teachers wanted me to do well, and spoke loudly and clearly. 90% of those who do poorly either don't give the teacher an excuse to give them marks, or can't be heard by the audience. Most other things, I know "This too shall pass," and that does the most good.
I hear you on concentrating on what he does well. He knows that if he helps me the day before a performance, he is to build my confidence. Only stop me for major problems, and feed me a summary of the next bit only if I ask, but not the exact words. However, by that time I'm almost letter-perfect, and storytelling audiences are the least-threatening in the world. It's good for me, since with more permanent things, I always look for what I can do better.
The things that get me in a knot are things with no set end-time, or that I can't plan for, or hurt others, or where I'm partially in the wrong, but not wrong enough for an unqualified apology. Seeing the accused and her mother again is in that category, since I have no clue what they'll do. Anyone reading this can see how nervous I am about it!
But, this too shall pass, so I grit my teeth, thoroughly hate the feeling, and get on with my it. Son, though, considers the whole thing dealt with! His lack of social awareness is a blessing in that way.
Anyhoo, it's time for the next session of housework!
Cheers!
__________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space.
In that space is our power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
- Viktor E. Frankl
Posted by amyltrer on 24-03-2008 at 18:12:
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Met I only resort to physical violence when somebody make his best to humiliate me. This angers me like like Hell.
__________________
It is the tiny spark of humanity that adds blaze to a villain
Posted by Metaliant on 29-03-2008 at 10:15:
After I got knocked over by a car, I had naturally plenty of time to think. And when I do this, I tend to think of my past. Basically, I realised, I knew 4 groups of people at school.
1) The smallest group of all were people who actually liked me but I never really tried to get to know them better. Wished I did.
2) Peaple who for one reason or another actually didn't like me and never tried to be friendly. I have more respect for them than the next 2 groups.
3) People who were friendly towards me but then for one reason or another turn around and say nasty things about/to me or make fun of me before/after I get upset.
3( And finally, this group of people say they like me and try to be friendly to me by teasing me or saying nasty stuff to me, so I get really upset, that when I lose my temper (which was extremely easy as a kid) that they would be happy. This group I hate the most and the largest.
I met one such person at Index, a former catalogue retail shop like Littlewoods, who did exactly like that. and when it came that I was going to lose my temper (it took her 2 weeks), I asked her why she was trying to make me lose my temper. When she told me, then I just decided that instead of me losing my job because I lost my temper, I would ignore you completely, unless it was work related. I still lost my job for whatever reason they kicked me out but I was glad that I withheld my temper.
When I do lose it Amy, then I try not to hit people but either, throw stuff, slam doors or when I was a kid, break stuff. I did nearly hit a work colleague though at Homebase.
__________________
Eagle in Residence
Tempory Frisker
Posted by amyltrer on 29-03-2008 at 20:16:
Met, I'm sorry to hear that! I'm sure she had something to do with your firing. Well, there's plenty of this type of people around, I'm trying to see them as forming the loser cathegory!
I have an innate vindicative temper and I can't relax untill I answer them in kind! I try to tell myself they doesn't worth my time!
__________________
It is the tiny spark of humanity that adds blaze to a villain
Posted by Madilayn on 29-03-2008 at 22:47:
Cricket, sounds like your son is having some real problems, but is trying his hardest to face up to them and move on.
I was also bullied at school - from grade 3 when I went from a school with180 kids total to over 300 in my grade! Added to that, we had no home at the time and were living with a friend of my grandma's (our house was 40 feet under water in January 1974, and our new house wasn't finished until mid 1975!). I was also the classic "fat kid". Yes - it does affect you and affects me to this day. I took up acting, and it did help, as I can now "portray" confidence, which does help.
Have you tried taking your son to Scouts (cubs)? I ask only because I was a Cub Leader for 10 years, and I saw a lot of kids who were bullied at school grow in the Scout environment and become able to stand up to the bullies. You may also find that because the Scout meetings are only a couple of hours a week, and they do learn new things, but they do something different each meeting, so he doesn';t have time to get bored with the new skill.
Added to that, you find that the kids in the same pack become very close, and do tend to stick up for each other outside the Scout meetings as well. Whilst there is some rough play, it's always supervised, and as it's a smaller group, the Leaders see everything that goes on.
My brother is a lot like your son - and still has problems in picking up on things socially and also tends to erupt in screaming and temper whenever he feels things aren't going his way (at nearly 40, he has never held down a job for more than 6 months at a time). However, he's been a Scout all his life, and it did change and challenge him. He learnt a lot of leadership skills, and was a leader himself for 8 years (until a group of parents got him "removed" when he admitted he was gay. They didn;t want "that" sort of person involved with their children).
You know, it sounds like the girl in all this isn't a real bully. She sounds like she;s got some good intentions, but hasn't been taught how to put those into practice, and is trying too hard - which can cause bullying as she tries to help.
It's most important though that your son find something he is good at and can excel at - he probably feels like the dunce of the family and so has withdrawn into a "I'm useless" mode and if he keeps on that, he'll refuse to keep trying.
Chin up, Cricket!!! I agree with you about the ADHD drugs, by the way. But then, I hate drugs of all sorts (I don't even like to take asprin). But ADHD drugs rely on the drug to solve the problem, instead of working within the problem to provide a solution.
__________________
"When I'm old, I don't want them to say of me, "She's so charming." I want them to say, "Be careful, I think she's armed." -G. Stoddart
Posted by CricketBeautiful on 02-04-2008 at 17:24:
Met, I hear you on the groups. There are lots I wish I'd got to know better.
Madilayn, we tried Beaver-Scouts. He loved the first year, but the second was too noisy for him. He doesn't like the outdoors (terrified of everything). Very frustrating. I was a Guide and then Guide leader for over two decades, so I know how great it can be in so many ways.
Yep, I think the girl may have been trying to help, but her actions hurt my son, and she didn't hear him or me when we told her that he was being hurt. If she had cared more about his feelings than her power to help him, she would have listened.
There's one incident, near the end, when she thought she was being friendly curious, but it came across as nosy, and hit a hot button, and by then we were primed. However, when her classmates ask her why she's such a bully, and the mother is more concerned about her daughter's black mark than helping her daughter understand how her actions hurt my son, I know all I can do for the girl is pray. Last year she was a decent kid. I hope she stops working on her halo and starts paying attention to the feelings of people around her.
I'm working really hard on appreciating the things Son does well. It would help if he did things!
Thanks all!
__________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space.
In that space is our power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
- Viktor E. Frankl
Posted by Ladygalactor777 on 28-08-2008 at 18:15:
When I was a kid I used to get bullied every single day this bully used to take my money lunch too...I told my mom & You want to now what my mother told me?...you are going to kick his ass...you don't kick his ass I will kick yours...man!...I din't want to get spank by my mother she hit hard!...so I whent next day & I kicked the bully's ass...
I kicked so hard that I did make him my biatch!...
I took the bus every day & I sat on the back & kick him out of the bus too...I said this is my bus!...
Man It did really worked...after that I got respect...
No wonder Im head of Galactor...hahahahah!
Some times kids needs to fix their diferences....but parents shouldn't be so drastic about it...but be aware about guns & weapons...b cuz some kids hold an ugly grudge...
__________________
Posted by Metaliant on 28-08-2008 at 18:33:
That's true today more than in the 70s and 80s.
You wouldn't believe it but in Britian, most kids WILL carry knives to protect themselves from people who have.......knives.
__________________
Eagle in Residence
Tempory Frisker
Posted by amyltrer on 28-08-2008 at 19:07:
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Yes, those. And tear gas spray! Actually, here one can be expelled if he is caught with these at school. Though almost all the students had trifle like knives.
__________________
It is the tiny spark of humanity that adds blaze to a villain
Posted by Metaliant on 28-08-2008 at 20:43:
Sorry Amy, students had trifle which were like knives? I am a bit confused.
__________________
Eagle in Residence
Tempory Frisker
Posted by amyltrer on 28-08-2008 at 21:30:
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Uhm, I mean this:
Clicky!!!
Easy to hide in a pocket, very useful to scare the bullies off!
__________________
It is the tiny spark of humanity that adds blaze to a villain
Posted by Metaliant on 28-08-2008 at 22:49:
Thank goodness for that. I thought you meant that trifles were used as weapons.
I think I go to bed now and have a bit of rest.
At work, we aren't allowed to use any sharp knvies at all. The knives (if you can call them that) aren't any good for anything and you can't open boxes, cut strapping or anything.
__________________
Eagle in Residence
Tempory Frisker
Posted by shamrokchick on 28-08-2008 at 23:42:
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Yeah my parents used to say the same thing. If somebody hits you, then you hit back. Of course, this was before kids carried weapons...
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"They say the Titanic sank because it hit an iceberg, but that must have been Galactor's fault too." 
Posted by gogirl212 on 29-08-2008 at 00:58:
My mother's worldly advice to me about bullies was two fold:
1. Never start a fight, but always finish one.
2. Always give back twice as bad as they gave you and they will learn to leave you alone.
I grew up to be wicked when it came to standing up to people who thought they could pick on me.
__________________
There are few problems that a swift kick to the head by a highly trained ninja can't solve.
Posted by Ladygalactor777 on 31-08-2008 at 02:01:
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Mom is always right
Mommy knows best hahahahah
__________________
Posted by Askura on 31-08-2008 at 22:11:
...is there anybody here who wasn't bullied as a kid?
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