Gatchamania.net - Print: Gloomy, gloomy, gloomy

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Posted by ElectricWhite on 11-12-2017 at 20:56:

Gloomy, gloomy, gloomy

This isn't easy for me to discuss. To me, what I'm going through seems almost petty compared to what some other folks are experiencing. (I don't need to give any examples, do I?) And where do I begin? Should I start with what I need and then explain why, or do I start with what's been going on and end with what I need? Should I go ahead and write this, or will this all turn out to be pointless?

As I'm beginning to write this, it's a dark, cloudy day. There's just enough snow falling to let me know it's miserably cold outside. (It makes me think of an old cartoon that shows a poor waif of a girl standing on a sidewalk. Her clothes are rags, and she's shivering as she tries to sell pencils to the people who ignore her as they walk by.) I've lost count of how many false starts I've had, how many times I've broken down and cried, how many times I tried to quit and then dragged myself back to this.

I'm sure some of you have already guessed that I'm feeling down....really, seriously down.

It's been almost four months since I've gotten out of the nursing home, and I still need help getting in and out of bed; my right hip has deteriorated so much that I can't move my leg to lift it high enough. Even though I have an aide come in the mornings to get me out of bed, my uncle still comes in the evenings to get me into bed, and I'm afraid that's becoming a serious burden to him. Also, I discovered last week that my hip now makes it virtually impossible to get in and out of regular cars; I'm just going to doctors' offices because the medical transport companies are the only ones with wheelchair-accessible vans.

The on-again off-again ulcer on my lower right leg is still there. It's neither gotten better nor worse -- it just drains constantly. So, next week, the wound doctor's going putting a skin graft on it. But people I've talked to have decided that my right leg's going to get amputated, since I've already lost my left leg. Apparently they have it on good authority that God isn't about to give me a break in that department. (So what if the biopsy that was taken a couple of weeks ago came up negative?)

I haven't heard anything about the poems I've submitted, and it's been almost eight weeks for some. This isn't typical for my work -- the editors I've submitted to usually take two or three weeks to respond to me. And I've come across a couple of discussions connected to some of the places my work has appeared -- it looks like my work is quite forgettable. (If it wasn't good, I would rather have it bad enough to have a cult following instead of it being forgettable, a total waste of time and effort.)

And to top all that off...well, I need to confess something to you all: for most of my life I've been dealing with high functioning depression. (A couple of you had figured this out a couple of years ago, but I didn't talk much to you about it since you'd gotten a huge pile of manure dumped on your plates.) I'm sure some of you are saying, "What the heck do you mean by 'high functioning depression'?!" Well, it's a lot like classic depression, except I don't break down -- I'll continue to eat, bathe, pay bills, and so on...though it all seems pointless and I might have tried sticking my head in the oven if it wasn't electric.

I've heard lots of people say how good talking to a therapist can be and what a great experience it's been for them. I'm really happy to hear that they were able to get the help they needed. Unfortunately, that hasn't been my experience. The times I've tried seeing a therapist, I've ended up racing home to stick my head in the oven. (And then I feel like a total moron because I've forgotten that I've always had electric appliances.)

So, that's a basic overview of what's going on with me right now...can anybody find a sign that the light at the end of the tunnel hasn't burned out?

__________________
“There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them." --Ray Bradbury

Posted by GrumpyGhostOwl on 12-12-2017 at 00:02:

It doesn't help to know that you have some really good reasons for being depressed.

At least you've kept your sense of humour. That's always a good sign.

I've sent you a PM.

__________________
If you see me talking to myself, just move along: we're having a team meeting.

Posted by Ebonyswanne on 12-12-2017 at 01:55:

I hope you have few good people around you. It sounds like a rough ride for you over the last few years especially.

People have stereotyped ideas on what depression is suppose to look like. I hope you have something that helps lift you when your feeling this way.
Even a rant to get it out can do wonders.
Higs EW. Xx

__________________
Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up- Pablo Picasso.

Posted by Katblu42 on 12-12-2017 at 02:37:

I won't pretend I know what you're going through because it sounds like it's tougher than anything I've had to face.
I really wish I could offer you some practical help, or find some profound and uplifting words that would make things brighter.
You have my thoughts and prayers, and as many virtual hugs as you need.

__________________
"First things first, but not necessarily in that order." 4th Doctor

Posted by ChrisW on 12-12-2017 at 05:13:

First: Huge *hugs* to you!!!!!!! Your pain is just as valid and worth help as anyone else's. I'm glad you're willing and able to talk about it with us. I'm sure I'd be completely overwhelmed in your place.

Second: I'm sorry that you're going through this. Frown It sucks in so many ways. *Hugs* again.

Third: *hugs*

Fourth: A very realistic light at the end of the emotional health tunnel ... We're now in the biggest mental health crisis time of the year. The holidays are emotionally brutal on people for a vast number of reasons. That fact on top of everything else you're going through certainly can't be helping. Frown The holiday season will pass, though.

A fun thing to look forward to: While the Infini-T Force show is close to completing, the movie comes out next year.

*hugs*

Fifth: I wish I had some magic advice to offer and make everything better. Frown I started writing a bunch and then reminded myself that that's not what you asked for.

One suggestion I do have, though, is to consider mental health peer support. It's not the same as going to therapy and you may find it more to your needs. I'm not sure what's involved to be able to access it where you are, but I did a quick web search and "mental health peer support georgia" brought up a number of solid-looking resources.

My husband has worked peer support for a few years now and I've seen what it can do. I don't want to overwhelm you but I'd be happy to answer questions about what he does. I will say that everyone who works peer support (here at least) has mental health issues of their own. That's why they're peers. If/when you feel up to looking into it, this site seems to be where to start, or you could talk to your doctors for a reference:

Georgia Mental Health Consumer Network

__________________
Eagle Whisperer

Posted by cherry cat on 12-12-2017 at 10:41:

Dear, I don't know you but please accept huge virtual hugs!
It's truly an ordeal what you are enduring, and it's always painful to read that a fellow human being has to go through such tribulations.
However, please do consider ChrisW suggestion of peer support. You don't have to be alone in this. You must not be!

Huggles

Posted by Madilayn on 12-12-2017 at 11:04:

Many many many big big big hugs. Like everybody else, I wish I could make your problems vanish, or just hand you the perfect solution.

It does absolutely suck to have a chronic condition that basically all that can be done is palliative care.

But - you do have your sense of humour (and a fine one it is) and that does help a lot.

All I can say is that we are your friends and we will be here for you. Have you tried contacting a social worker to see what other help you can get?

__________________

"When I'm old, I don't want them to say of me, "She's so charming." I want them to say, "Be careful, I think she's armed." -G. Stoddart

Posted by ElectricWhite on 13-12-2017 at 21:56:

Thank you all for the wonderful words of support. This is one special site -- it's rare to have so many loving, compassionate people in one place.

I have taken action: when my Occupational Therapist* stopped by for my weekly session, I told her what was going on, and she called my visiting nurse in order to get a therapist to come out to talk to me. ("It gets done a lot faster if a 'medical professional' puts in the request instead of a lowly OT." she explained.) But I must be honest: I came very close to yelling, "To hell with this! Forget it! Get out!" when she was assessing me before making the phone call. For some reason she wasn't exactly hearing what I was saying. When I told her about my past experiences with shrinks, she got it in her head that I'd gone to one session with one therapist and then quit. I couldn't get her to realize that she misunderstood.

Anyway, I've gotten that process started. At the very least, it can be a stop-gap while I look up other options. (And, not to mention, figure out why CW keeps trying to send this Hoosier to Georgia...oh, wait, I get it! She must think I'm a real peach! Big Grin )

* To put it simply, Physical Therapists work on strengthening the lower body. Occupational Therapists strengthen the upper body and help a patient develop new strategies for doing everyday tasks like bathing, getting dressed, cooking, and so on.

__________________
“There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them." --Ray Bradbury

Posted by ChrisW on 13-12-2017 at 22:13:

LOL I don't know why I have it in my head that you're in Georgia! Still, a similar web search would work. Smile

I'm glad that you spoke to someone. I hope you have a better experience with this therapist. Having someone not really listen to you sucks, especially when you're baring your heart like that and feeling so vulnerable. If necessary, don't hesitate to tell them that you've had bad experiences and so are extra nervous.

*hugs* Smile

__________________
Eagle Whisperer

Posted by littlewolf on 14-12-2017 at 11:56:

Sunshine do you still have the same email address ?????
sending you an email
ps Huggles Huggles Huggles Luvu1 Luvu1 Luvu1 Luvu 5 Luvu 5 Luvu 5 chocolate and alcohol xoxo

__________________
May the bad things get lost on the way to you door!

Posted by ElectricWhite on 14-12-2017 at 14:45:

LW -- yup, still there! Thanks for the booze and chocolate thoughts -- last night I kept thinking how I missed having Dad's Dirty Russians...

__________________
“There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them." --Ray Bradbury