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Posted by ChrisW on 28-04-2014 at 18:31:
Save me
I've been in FL over a week and thank the gods that I am leaving on Weds. I need to get a rant out of my system so I don't snap. 
My father is driving me out of my mind. He's like an ADHD control freak toddler. He won't wear his hearing aids so you have to repeat everything 2 or 3 times, louder and louder. He wanders off when you're talking to him. He can't use new tech so you have to walk him through how to do it 20 times (repeating things to death because he can't hear you). He can't drive because his physical condition gives him hallucinations, so he criticizes your driving the entire time. Everything has to be done when HE wants to do it, HOW he wants to do it, screw plans anyone else had or whatever you might be in the middle of, even if it's something else he asked/demanded. He's insulin-dependent diabetic but he doesn't actually test, he just guesses on how much insulin he needs. He wanted a puppy but for the most part he yells at the critter and leaves all of the upkeep and stuff to my mom, who's driven ragged just doing all the other stuff he needs to do, let alone anything for herself.
I'm sorry that he's sick but I don't see how my mom can stand it. He's always been kind of like this, it's just magnified now. Ugh. At least I've been able to help with some out of control puppy issues so they understand he needs a lot more exercise than what he was getting.
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Posted by KT1972 on 28-04-2014 at 21:23:
Awww Chris, roll on Wednesday, eh? Don't know who to feel more sorry for, you for having your visit spoiled by your dad's behaviour, or your mum for having to put up with it full time.....
Hope these help....
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Posted by ElectricWhite on 28-04-2014 at 21:55:
Oh, Chris, I feel for ya! 
You haven't got too much longer -- hang in there!
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Posted by Becky Rock on 28-04-2014 at 22:35:
Chris, I can't say I've experienced what you're describing, so I can offer no advice other than trying to think of good times when you'd rather strangle your Dad. You might have to look into other Elder care if your Mom is being over whelmed.
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Posted by ChrisW on 28-04-2014 at 22:56:
I wouldn't say my visit is ruined. I've always found my dad to be intense and stressful. It's pretty much what I expected, just maybe moreso. Oh, I forgot to mention that he watches the TV at ear-bleeding volume. If it's in the same room it's hard for anyone else to have a conversation. Fortunately, there's 2 rooms with TVs where you can shut the door and just hear it without being overwhelmed by it.
All that said, last time I came down, he was in his "I'm dying so I'll be as much of an asshole as I want" stage. He was constantly saying rather unpleasant things to everyone. In that respect, he's been a lot better, and most of his TV viewing hasn't been FOX news (though some of it has). He can watch what he wants to watch but if other people can't escape it, driving up their blood pressure isn't kind.
This time we're also not doing a road-trip in the middle of my visit. This has been a good thing. 
The funniest part is when he said to my brother that he didn't want to turn into a grumpy old man. My bro flatly told him that it was far too late, it'd already happened. 
Oh yeah ... last time I visited, he took one look at me and said I looked like a wild woman (It was not a compliment). This time I got to day #2 before we had this exchange:
dad: get a haircut.
me: I just did.
dad: get a shorter haircut.
Next time I'm doing a betting pool!
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Posted by ElectricWhite on 28-04-2014 at 23:26:
| quote: | |
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You could've left and then come back wearing a skull cap. ("You can't get much shorter than shaved. So there, Dad!"
)
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Posted by k2p2 on 28-04-2014 at 23:41:
Oh dear...was wondering how you were getting on. Sorry it is so rough for both you and your mother.
FWIW--vent all you want. Keeping you in my thoughts.
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Posted by ChrisW on 29-04-2014 at 01:09:
He's a trip, for sure. Fortunately I'm happy with my haircut so I just found the hair thing kinda funny, especially given last time. I almost want to do something really crazy next time just to see his reaction.
Btw, last time I visited, I commented to my mother how annoyed it makes me when he's disrespectful to her. She shrugged and said, "Murder is illegal."
I laughed for a long time ...
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Posted by rachel on 29-04-2014 at 02:10:
I flinched back a little reading this post cause I always criticize my husband's driving manner per every 10 minutes(but I think he surely deserves it) and these days I'm pestering him to buy a Bengal kitty. He cleans home ,does laundries, cooks.... Of course I 'usually help' him. He is refusing to raise a pet, crying out that it must be him after all who need to care about the cat. I should reflect on myself...Gee..
Does he have hobbies or friends to hang out with? I don't know your situation but if I were in that case I would find a social community centers for silver men. My father had shown little similar symptoms with yours. These days he works at a university as a lecturer. We can't change him. I think it's not possible. If there is something for him to concentrate on, it must be the best way. However, it should include physical activities, too.
My grandmother was very healthy comparing with her friends. She visited Buddhist temple almost every day and did lots of voluntary works. (serving meals to monks, cleaning the temples, replacing fresh flowers and fruits on the alter etc) One day her monk friend recommended her to transcribe Buddhism scriptures. He promised her that he would place the notes inside of the newly constructed pagoda. She eagerly did it at home instead of going to the temple. But the non-physical activity dramatically weakened her. After one year, she passed away stuck in her bed....Anyway she left a heritage to future Koreans inside of the pagoda. I should have attach a 3M post-it inside of the notes which says that "Do not recommend transcribing to the old, you fool."
Posted by ChrisW on 29-04-2014 at 03:24:
Rachel: Perhaps if you feel sure you'll help care for the cat, you'll have a better chance. My father has always been very active. He's typically been running around doing things or falling asleep. The problem is that he has stage 4 liver cancer and hepatitis C, and all of the complications come with those illnesses. His ability to be physically active has declined drastically. This frustrates and depresses him. Having to give up his drivers' license (the illness causes him to have 30 second hallucinations, you cannot have those behind the wheel!) I know was hard on him as well, but I'm proud that he gave it up voluntarily. The motor vehicle department thanked him too.
He does have quite a number of friends. They do to a point seem to take turns coming over to take him out for lunch, to talk, or just to generally get him out of the house when he's capable. The combined illnesses have slowed/confused his mind, taken much of his ability to balance (he uses a cane now), make him sleep a lot, and just generally have made him weaker. We think we've finally got him eating more protein (the old way of thinking was to avoid protein if you had liver disease, but the new way is that you do need protein), which will hopefully give him some of his strength back. He's been losing muscle mass. Apparently a combination of brown rice protein powder (no dairy, which has been upsetting his stomach due to the chemo), unsweetened almond milk (he's insulin-dependent diabetic), and fruit put into a blender is a winner to add to his diet. Finally something he likes!
Many of his hobbies are also now out of the question. They've become too dangerous or just things he physically can't do. He's still got things going on but he's so limited now. At least with the puppy he wants to get out walking (though walking an energetic puppy is a bit difficult for him with his balance problems) or get a recumbent bike. That's a good thing.
He keeps telling me not to get old. Alas, I think that's out of my power.
I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. My husband's grandmother was very active, even taught line dancing classes, until she fell and broke her hip. Her decline was fairly rapid after that. :/
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Posted by ElectricWhite on 29-04-2014 at 12:29:
Also, even if he didn't have all those other physical issues, CW's dad's mental state could be affected by the way he takes care of his diabetes. Since he's been giving himself insulin "by feel" instead of using a blood glucose monitor to keep track of his sugar levels, he hasn't been getting proper care -- too little blood sugar can cause people to act like they're drunk, and too much blood sugar prevents oxygen from reaching the cells (the excess sugar takes up the space that would normally be occupied by oxygen.)
I know his because everyone in my mom's family is diabetic, and it goes back at least 6 generations.
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Posted by ChrisW on 29-04-2014 at 14:25:
Youch EW. I didn't know that about the oxygen. My dad's blood sugar was in the 300s last time he went in, in part I suspect because he was barely eating protein. As he gets more protein in his diet that will hopefully level him out a little, though I'm not sure how much protein powder affects the glycemic index of what he's having. He's also eating nuts and edamame and things like that and occasional manages to eat meat without being sick (gotta love chemo).
Speaking of oxygen, have I mentioned he also has emphysema? (I think that's what it is, he has difficulty breathing, though not to the point that he has an oxygen tank.) He hasn't smoked as far as I know since I was in 2nd or 3rd grade, but he used to chain smoke like you would not believe.
He already has hospice care arranged for when he truly can't live at home anymore. In the meantime, he told me if my mom tries to put him in an "old folks' home," I should come bust him out. I feel like a bad daughter that my first thought was "fat chance" but I can't see my mom putting him in a home unless that was really her only option, and she's got SO much more patience than I do. (As evidenced by being married to him for over 40 years. )
It's hard seeing a parent who was so dynamic, a serial entrepreneur who did just about anything he had to in order to put food on the table and give us a good life, become a fragile old man ... I was glad to see he still has a few projects. He's got people restoring classic cars for him (most of his adult life he's worked in car sales or management somewhere). I had this urge to give him as many angle shots of the civilian G-2 as possible and ask if he could make that happen. I'm just not sure what I'd do with the car if I had it! Unless someone here had the funds to purchase it, hehe.
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Posted by Becky Rock on 29-04-2014 at 23:38:
His anger could also be a move to alienate everyone so that when he passes, you all won't feel as bad.
That's the impression I got from my father.
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Posted by ChrisW on 30-04-2014 at 00:42:
I don't think that's it in this case. He was just pissed off at being so sick and having his whole life turned upside down. At one point it WAS pointed out to him that he probably doesn't want to be remembered as a complete asshole so maybe he'd better stop being such a jerk.
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Posted by rachel on 30-04-2014 at 00:54:
Ah, Chris. I don't know what to say about his condition.
He may feel lonely and long for respect from his family.
Maybe your haircut was not problem itself, it seems that he wanted you to show attention to himself.
My maternal grandmother has become a child as she gets order and order. She never spent money for fashion all her life. She is quiet prosperous, but very parsimony. One day grandma met her daughter in law's mother.
My aunt's mother appeared with a very nice hat, grandma asked me where she could find the beautiful hats as hers, like a 7 years old girl in jealousy.
So I promised her to buy a better one in the department store in downtown, grandma gladly jumped into my car.
But when she saw price tags of the hats, she slapped my back quiet hard blaming that I was throwing away money. I just admitted my crime(!). I promised her to find a one in the outlet market and brought her to a nice and cheap(?) restaurant instead. (I ordered my favorite dishes as soon as being seated, before the waiter brought a menu)
After 2 weeks, I bought a hat for her in that department store. I said grandma that I'd got this hat for 80% discount in the outlet mall, there was only one left and I fortunately got it just before an old lady snatched it. As I displayed stories of the not-happened battle, she cackled really happily.
I do understand how you felt when he said you to get a haircut.
Not only the old man, I think almost every men craves for the opportunity to prove his authority.(I think every men are child) I'd been in similar situations in my office for countless times. If my father did the same thing, I would tell him "Will I look better in shorter hair as you recommend? Then, how short?". And find excuses, for example..."The technician I patronize left for her vacation", "First I need to find reference photos on google would you help me" or "The hair saloon in my town posted a special discount event on their Facebook" It must be exhausting work but if it could make my father happy during my short stay, I think it is worth to do. If he knows that his family is showing enough respect for him and care about him, he may feel comfortable with his family.
I hope he would live a happy life and you too. 
Posted by ChrisW on 02-05-2014 at 02:15:
At the time, I could see how sick my dad felt from his chemotherapy, so I figured if the only victim was my hair I was doing pretty well. The best thing I could do there was not dig in and create a battle where none was really needed.
That was a clever way to handle your grandmother! Given that later in the visit he made another comment but with a bit of a smile, I think he wasn't THAT upset about my hair in the long run. He's got a very wry sense of humour and it's often hard to tell when he's joking or not. I don't think it was the first time, but the second, probably so.
I'm home, now. I love my parents but it's nice to have some peace and quiet.
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Posted by jublke on 06-05-2014 at 03:32:
Hugs, Chris. I hope you've recovered by now.
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Posted by ChrisW on 06-05-2014 at 04:32:
I think so. Phew!
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