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Posted by ElectricWhite on 02-03-2013 at 04:31:
Oh, to be an only child....
I just packed 10 of Dad’s military uniforms and several other things that belonged to different relatives (such as my great-grandfather’s cane) so that my uncle can come tomorrow and keep them for me until the estate is settled. Why? Because my darling brother has expressed an interest in these things, and I’ve discovered that he has no qualms about simply taking what he wants.
You might want to pour yourself a drink before you read on.
Earlier today I had a couple of appraisers from an auction house over to look at the stuff I’ll be putting up for the estate sale (house included). My niece and her husband were here to help, since I’m not able to go into most of the house (namely, the second floor and the garage.) A few minutes after they took the appraisers into the garage, Stephanie came back in.
“Grandpa’s tool chest is gone!†she said.
This was news to me. That thing’s very large and heavy – very difficult for two healthy men to move – so I had no idea what could have happened to it. Donnie couldn’t have taken it – he’d recently been put on disability because a heart condition and diabetic neuropathy kept him from moving things with any real weight.
So what could have happened? I doubted if somebody broke in – with all the effort involved in moving the tool chest (not to mention loading it onto a truck), somebody would have noticed, if I somehow didn’t hear the garage door raising (that thing’s really noisy!)
I decided to send Donnie a text – to eliminate him as a suspect, at the very least. “The folks are here from the auction house,†I wrote, “and we can’t find Dad’s tool chest. Any idea where it’s hiding?â€
The phone rang. It was my darling brother calling to inform me that I said he could have it.
Huh?!?!?!?
A few months ago, when he and my niece’s husband were cleaning the garage, he took a break and told me there were a few things he was interested in having.
“Oh?†I asked, “What did you have in mind?â€
“Oh, just a few little things.†he replied, “Odds and ends, mostly.†He failed to mention that he considered a five-foot tall tool chest with at least $4,000.00 worth of tools in it a “little thing.†When I pointed that out, he whined, “But it was real hard for me to load that into the truck and haul it down here!†(He lives in Tennessee.)
That’s really smart, Dude. First of all, NOBODY is going to believe that tool chest could be lumped in the same category as dollar store-quality knick-knacks. Second, you just admitted to fraud! (If you’re in such bad shape, how the hell could you do what the able-bodied population can’t do without considerable difficulty?!? And don’t get me started on how disgusting and insulting it is for someone like me – who has a legitimate condition – to see an arrogant leech like you screw the system!)
Oh, and there’s one more thing – I’m an unreasonable bitch because I expect him to either:
A) bring the damned thing back, or
B) pay for it!
I’m sure you’re saying to yourself, “Yeah, that would piss me off, too. But what does that have to do with you packing up your dad’s uniforms and the other things?â€
Simply put: he’s shown an interest in them.
Yes, there’s more to it. When it comes to Dad’s uniforms, we both agree that they should go to a museum. I want to donate them to one of the local museums; this was Dad’s home, and his family’s here. I want to make sure that my grand-nephews and, maybe one day, their children can see those artifacts and know that, in spite of jerks like my brother, they come from good people. Donnie wants to take them to a museum in the Tennessee county where he lives. Why? Neither Dad nor his family has any ties there, nor has anybody expressed any interest in making the roughly five-hour trip to even visit. The only possible reason Donnie wants to take the uniforms there is that he will be listed as the donor, and he can then go around beating his chest and grunting out his boasts.
As for my great-grandfather’s cane, well there are a couple of things there, too. For one thing, Donnie has always had the attitude that the only family heritage I should have is the inherited diseases. For another, my great-grandfather was a highly-respected man in the community. He died at age 34, but he’d already had such an impact that 2,000 people attended the visitation, the streets from the church to the cemetery were packed with people, and people had to be moved from the cemetery because there was no room for the funeral procession. (It boggles the mind to think about what kind of affection and respect he might have received if he’d lived a normal lifespan....) My brother never wanted heirlooms because of their connection to loved ones – he believes owning them will get him the respect he thinks he deserves, though he’s never done a thing to earn it.
So my uncle is coming to give those things a safe place until the estate’s settled. And speed is essential – Donnie’s due to come Monday night and stay a week to help prep the house and pack some things. There’s no place here to hide the stuff, and I can’t be here the whole time to guard the things because of a bunch of doctor’s appointments. (Heck, I’m not sure it would do much good if I was here the whole time – I was here when he took the tool chest!)
I guess I don’t have to go through all the emotions this has stirred up – most of them are pretty obvious. But there was one thing I was hoping we would avoid: going to court. As things look not, I don’t see how I can avoid it; Donnie seems hellbent. And he’ll make sure Stephanie and her family will get caught in the crossfire. And that sickens me to no end.
__________________
“There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them." --Ray Bradbury
Posted by ChrisW on 02-03-2013 at 06:59:
Ugh. 
Can you take the cost of the tool chest out of his share of the estate sale? Or is that going to land you in court?
Donating the uniforms to a museum in the area where your dad lived would make sense to me, unless they were somehow more culturally relevant in the other location. It's awful that you'll have to stress over him taking off with stuff while he's there. Can you get someone to take pictures of everything before he arrives as a photo record of what was there?
Sending the other items up for debate into safety sounds wise. Why on earth would he think you shouldn't get to have any of the family heirlooms?? Or is it more that he thinks he should get them all?
*huge hugs* 
Deep breaths, and here's hoping it won't be so bad ...
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Eagle Whisperer
Posted by Daniella T on 02-03-2013 at 10:55:
That's horrible, EW! My instinct tells me, take him to court! Unfortunately, it's the only thing some people understand (take if from someone with a dad who had to be taken to court every month before he paid alimony to my mum...) If nothing else, he will probably be humiliated...
Of course you should get your share from the inheritance -- and of course your Dad's uniforms should go to a local museum -- duh!
Anyway, as CW said, deep breaths, deep breaths...
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They were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Naturally, they became heroes -- Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan.
Posted by k2p2 on 02-03-2013 at 13:26:
Ouch EW, that is rough..and I am in agreement. You have proof that he already took the toolchest, so that value is gonna come out of his portion of the estate.
For him not to tell you that he wanted/took it kinda proves his culpability on the issue, eh?
FWIW, I would have your relatives help you to take enough photographs so the you have a digital record of the remaining possessions on file, esp stuff that you cannot get to.
Man, that's rough. Divvying up an estate is tough enough, you don't need these continuing shennigans.
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The world looks less difficult when standing next to a close friend.
Posted by Transmute Jun on 02-03-2013 at 17:36:
I hope this is the last you hear of your brother taking things. But perhaps when he arrives you should make it 100% clear that he is NOT permitted to take anything else. At least that way if it does happen, you'll have him trapped.
You could also tell him that the appraiser has made a list of the biggest items and already knows what's there...
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Posted by clouddancer on 02-03-2013 at 19:48:
Sorry to hear about the situation EW. I imagine it is rough enough dividing an estate to start with let alone having to deal with someone like your brother on top of it.
It sounds like everyone has been giving you some great advice. I hope you find some of it useful. Best of luck, over the next week, during his visit.
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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Posted by amethyst on 03-03-2013 at 08:16:
EW, Change the F'n Locks!
I know it sounds like a pain, but it really isn't as expensive or hard as it sounds. Most hardware stores sell keyable locks where you can buy four or five or more locks and have them all keyed the same for between $10 and $20 a lock. It is a lot if you are on a budget, but cheaper than court and if you are the estate administrator, you may be able to do it out of the estate fund as you are protecting the assets of the estate. Plus, you can likely get your uncle or maybe even your niece's husband to do the labor for you, it's not that hard and if you go anywhere but Home Depot, you should be able to find someone to answer questions about the self-installation.
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Perspective Alters Reality
Posted by littlewolf on 03-03-2013 at 13:45:
Ah honey I'm sending you REALY BIG HUGS.
You are got some very valueable idears already.
From my point of view you need to demand that he return the chest and all the tools, remind him that you are the executer of the estate and what he has done is theft, which he can be charged for. He loaded it on his truck, he can bloody do it again and return it to it's rightful place - with you
You are honouring your fathers wishes in regards to his unifrom and his possesions - they belong were they will have the most impact and respect that your father deserve
If he is being a "little shit" treat him like that, cause if he thinks he can get away with this, he may do more or take more.
He may be "interested" in other stuff, but he hasn't earned them and he will not respect there meaning and it's a bit late for him to pretend to help and assit you after years of neglect and "poor me" bullshit
Get your other family, uncle etc to back you up.
EW you are a stong and brave woman who is going through a lot now, you know you have the support of the people here, no matter what your decision is.
We will support you, in what ever way we can.
In the long run the decision is yours to make - I have faith that you will do what you feel is right.
I'll send up a prayer for divine interestion for you and your family
Love LW
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May the bad things get lost on the way to you door!
Posted by ElectricWhite on 03-03-2013 at 20:16:
You'll never know how much comfort you all have given me over these last couple of days! You've reminded me of a few things that have helped me regain a level head.
For starters, I didn't have to worry about losing if we end up going to court -- it's just a huge pain when all the involved parties live in the same state, and it's sooooooo much more of a pain when they live in different states. If anything, the judge would probably rip Donnie a new one because the will states that I'm obliged to:
A) use the estate to pay off any outstanding debts, and
B) divide whatever is remaining (if anything) as I see fit.
So, I could have completely locked him out, not let him have anything (not even his teddy bear, which was packed away in a cedar chest), and then sent him a bill for the administration costs. But, no, I decided to be a decent human being about this.
(You know, sometimes it seems as if the sociopaths have it easier than the rest of us!)
I haven't spoken to Donnie lately, so I don't know if he's going to do the right thing. But I'm sure he'll start doing whatever pops into his head to make life difficult for me. (And believe me, nothing's too stupid or immature for him to try!)
A more immediate concern that has come from this incident is that Stephanie believes she shouldn't have told me about the missing tool chest; if she'd have kept quiet, Donnie and I wouldn't be mad at each other. I've been trying to get it through to her that she did the right thing -- if I didn't know what he'd done, he could've continued to take "big ticket" items, and then I might not have been able to get enough money to cover the cost of the estate sale. Hopefully she'll stop and think about what I've been saying....
At any rate, it's wonderful to know that I've been blessed with such a group of caring people! Sometimes such emotional trauma can cloud matters, so it can be easy to forget when you've got good folks on your side. Thanks again!
__________________
“There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them." --Ray Bradbury
Posted by littlewolf on 04-03-2013 at 00:11:
"False friendship, like the ivy, decays and ruins the walls it embraces; but true friendship gives new life and animation to the object it supports."
- Burton, Sir Richard
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May the bad things get lost on the way to you door!
Posted by ChrisW on 04-03-2013 at 00:17:
*hugs* EW ... it's got to be hard to be stuck in the middle. Children tend to love their parents even if those parents, uh, don't deserve it, so I'm sure her feelings are complicated. Your thought to focus on the numbers is probably the best bet.
Always happy to at least attempt to be a voice of reason for someone. Lord knows I occasionally need someone to talk me in off the ledge. 
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Eagle Whisperer
Posted by amethyst on 04-03-2013 at 01:08:
As I'm getting a chance to breathe, another thought popped into my mind:
No matter how frustrating your brother, he helped to make you a better person.
This may not be 100% true, but in my experience the only child is more indulged, maybe even spoiled, then children that have at least one sibling, no matter the age difference. This does not mean that children that have no siblings are bad people or anything like that, but siblings have to learn to share and respect things nearly immediately, that only children do not.
Another weird thing I've noticed (though completely OT), watching my daughter's sports teammates, girls who have brothers are less afraid of playing rough than girls who have no brothers, not as worried about getting dirty, etc. This is even more likely when the girl has at least one older brother.
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Perspective Alters Reality
Posted by jublke on 05-03-2013 at 05:34:
EW, I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through so much. Hugs!
Glad to know I'm not one of the "bad people," Ame! Seriously, though, it did take me years to learn empathy, how to share, etc. On the plus side, I think I value my relationships quite deeply because I know what it's like to be a "lonely only."
As for my daughter, with two older brothers, she's not intimidated by anything! She's way braver than I was at the same age.
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"The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing." -- Blaise Pascal
Posted by amethyst on 05-03-2013 at 06:01:
| quote: | |
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My daughter is exactly the same way. She comes home bruised and dirty, kills the spiders, etc, while one older brother washes his hands every time he touches something other than himself, the other is almost as bad with spiders as I am (it took me ages to be in the same room with one, and I still won't sleep if I can see one in the room). She won't fight with anyone except her brothers. She has only ever tried to intimidate one person, and that was only after the person ignored repeated requests to stop bothering her. She'd rather try to solve problems herself, which lead to that last one, too, and needs to learn to seek help. I think if she is truly afraid of anything it is appearing weak and needy; I think that comes from watching her oldest brother; ironically, she is very good with kids with special needs, more understanding of them, because of him, as long as it is not him who is in need.
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Perspective Alters Reality
Posted by gatchamarie on 05-03-2013 at 12:12:
EW ... lately I've been hijacked by RL again and have been popping in and out just for some very random and short time periods during which I'd try to see what's happening (and craving to join in!) and to catch up as much as I can! But, upon seeing this thread, I couldn't leave without telling you how much my heart is going out to you and how much I'm sorry to hear that you're still struggling with this painstaking issue! At least, there are those people of your family on whom you can count on, starting from your brother's daughter! And, do remember that your Dad will always be by your side, and that we are all here, too!
I totally sympathise with you and I really know what you're going through! I recall I did tell you something about my own, similar story. This last incident of yours has touched me in a very particular way, since, if you might permit me jumping in with my own example, just a couple of weeks ago the same happened to me ... the only difference, NOW (IYNWIM!), after the many, many blows I've been taking in, is that my own Dad has found a substantial amount of cash missing from his property and he knows exactly who took it due to obvious circumstances (albeit his age, my Dad is still very sharp, bless him!) ... only he doesn't have any proof at hand, and that he made me promise not to say anything about my knowing in order to protect me, since I'm the only one he talks to openly, and since I'm the one who's always going to and fro his place to help him out at his elderly age! So, I can completely understand ... believe me when I say that I have come to the point of not knowing how to just look at some of my family members' faces after all they've been doing, and after them always taking things with a pinch of salt and acting as if nothing has ever happened! It's very hard ... I know ... cause I cannot even sleep well at night, especially these days, but do know that, even though we're far apart, and that we communicate only randomly, my heart is with you and with all the others around here!
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To be or not to be a gatchamaniac - that's the dilemma!
Posted by ChrisW on 06-03-2013 at 01:16:
*hugs* Marie ... I often remind myself that for many of us, the true "family" in our lives is the one we gather on our own.
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Eagle Whisperer
Posted by gatchamarie on 06-03-2013 at 12:13:
Amen, CW ... Amen ... and sincere thanks!
Unfortunately, I had to learn that a long time ago, even though sometimes I still cannot believe what I have to see or hear up till this very day! Only, it's not always easy to digest the thing down so rapidly, because apart from being kind of naive when it comes to certain, unexpected illmindedness, for me family needs to remain family! But, yes ... I have to sadly say that I feel it easier to trust strangers than some of my own near family members! When I started to need them most, they pushed me down deeper, instead! As you're saying, apart from my dear DH and kids (without whom I'm nothing), I've built my own family out of the most trusted friends, amongst whom are all of you!
EW ... something that I forgot to tell you ... remember to always take your stand and never feel guilty to retaliate when you're in the good! You have a guardian angel who's always looking after you!
__________________
To be or not to be a gatchamaniac - that's the dilemma!
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