Gatchamania.net - Print: Time to Grow Up!

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Posted by amethyst on 18-03-2012 at 18:04:

Time to Grow Up!

My brother is almost 40 years old. I think it is time that he grow up and take on a little bit of responsibility.

Can you tell he pissed me off to no end yesterday?

My mother fell again. As falls go, this one wasn't bad. Cracked rib, broken wrist, go home after three hours in the ER and call your orthopedist on Monday to see him ASAP.

However, as I'm trying to coordinate with fire department and paramedics, and contact local family to let them know (and not yet knowing the severity of the fall since it could have easily been her leg again), my idiot brother acts like it is not his concern while I'm on the phone with him. I got so disgusted, I threw the phone down and let my teenage daughter deal with him the rest of the day.

The conversation went something like this:

Me: Mom fell again

Brother: Okay, are they taking her to the Queen (the nearest hospital)

Me: Yeah

Brother: All right, call me when you know what room she'll be in

Me: Excuse

Brother: call me

Me: [Ranting and throwing phones down on couch, yelling at daughter, and heading to the room where Mom fell and the chaos is more controlled]

I understand he doesn't like hospitals, but damn it, I've dealt with everyone of these since Dad passed away. And even when Dad was alive, if he wanted company at the hospital, I found a way to get there.

How the conversation should have gone, IMHO:

Me: Mom fell again

Brother: Okay, are they taking her to the Queen (the nearest hospital)

Me: Yeah

Brother: All right, I'm in Sacramento. Do you need me there? [He doesn't live there, he lives a half hour away from the hospital]

Me: I'd would be nice, but you're a few hours away. I'll call you when I know more.

Brother: Thanks

If he was upfront and offered, it would have been much better than just assuming that I could deal with every thing because I'm there and have nothing better to do.

He's talking about moving in with her in two years when he retires from the Air Force. The scary thing is, I can see him calling me and expecting me to come down and take care of her for him when these things happen. That I won't be allowed the excuse that I've got kids and my own life.

What's even worse is that I'm the socially inept one, but that he is completely clueless that he aggravated a stressful situation by thinking of himself first and not what he could do for mom. Or that his soon to be ex-wife, was able to drop everything she was doing last year when Mom broke her leg and come help [but I think that maybe why she is leaving him, in more ways than one, but that's just speculation].

On, a happier note, I broke my sewing machine last year and was finally able to replace it. Now I just need to find the time to use it.

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Posted by KT1972 on 18-03-2012 at 18:32:

Hey, it's tough being the sole carer for someone unable to look after themselves, yet others forget that the carer needs support themselves... just because you look as if you are managing ok, it doesn't mean you can handle it all by yourself.

when you've calmed down a bit, call your brother, let him know the situation you're facing and ask him if there is a time he could take over your mum's care for an afternoon. If he insists on being stubborn, just point out that the stress could put you in hospital too, (yes it is stressful) and he would be expected to care for you mum full time then!!!

I'm just hoping it won't come to that. fingers crossed.

sending you hugs anyway, I think you need one Huggles

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Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement; nothing can be done without hope. - HELEN KELLER

Posted by amethyst on 18-03-2012 at 18:51:

That won't work, KT.

Mom is relatively independent. She's still living on her own, so I do have time to myself and my kids. My oldest is staying with her again, like he did when she broke her leg. And we make sure that he has some time out.

The problem is that I'm not sure that she can stay that independent for another two years, and we can't afford a bigger place, even with help from Mom financially, and with kids, we can't move into her place, not to mention that it really isn't big enough, either.

The problem is, that when something does occur, he doesn't want to deal with it. He doesn't want to be the one who has to drop everything until the crisis has passed.

Part of it is him, not wanting to; part is him not ever having too. Having been in the Air Force his whole adult life, he has learned to live by a different way of thinking. Which is I have to drop everything when someone higher ranking than me orders it; I'm not going to do it when I don't have to. And part is being far enough away, until recently, that he really didn't have to.

To be honest, I'm surprised that when Dad was rediagnosed after the surgery and initial diagnosis, that he arranged a transfer to a base closer to home. But that may have been because of his wife.

I don't think it is because he doesn't care, I think it is because he has never learned how to cope.

And now, he doesn't have to because I'm closer and unemployed, so he can use that as an excuse. His time is more valuable than mine.

Actually, what I'm thinking of doing is talking to my sister in law and see if she can convince him to seek counseling, and maybe push her to file for the divorce because he won't, and even though she has separated and moved out, as long as the remain married, legally, he's going to stay in a blur or shell that he's been in since she decided to end it.

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Perspective Alters Reality

Posted by Becky Rock on 18-03-2012 at 18:55:

I'm a hot head, so I won't tell you what I would have done as it would only make matters worse.

Would it be possible for your mother to have a few words with him?

Or you can just leave him out of it. If he's not going to help, don't even aggrevate yourself by asking.

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Posted by amethyst on 18-03-2012 at 19:28:

Becky, trust me, it took every once of will power I had not to respond to him and throw the phones on the couch so they wouldn't be damaged instead of into the wall. Having to replace a car window after breaking it while slamming the door, taught me that lesson.

I wish Mom would talk to him, but I know she wouldn't. She just accepts that that's the way he is and that if I can't be there for some other reason, she'll just wait. In fact, she encourages it. She's talking about scheduling her doctor's appt on DH's day off, so that we don't need to ask my brother to take a day off help me get her out of the house.

That's one reason why I want to talk to my sister in law. He'll listen to her, better than anyone else, in spite of all that has happened between them in the last few years. Plus she'll know better whether even talking to him will do any good.

He's too likely to say "I know, I know" and make it sound good once the crisis has passed, and forget it the next time around.

And it's not that I mind doing any of this. I'm the type of person who will drop everything, or rearrange to get there as soon as possible. What I mind, is the assumption that just because I will that it means that no one else has to. The fact that my brother was shopping and likely goofing off with friends and couldn't be bothered to stop, bothers a little, but not near as much as the assumption that I was okay handling everything with a 13 year old girl in tow, so that he didn't have to stop, is what bothers me.

I was here, so he didn't have to worry about it.

It's the fact that he can afford the extra gas, though he complains about it, and I can't, and don't, that bothers me.

It's the fact that everyone looks and me and asks, why don't you get a job. And no one understands that when am I supposed to find time to work it. I'm too busy taking care of everyone else. Luckily, DH understands, even if it is frustrating and stressful for him, too (mostly because of the financial strain, than anything else, though).

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Perspective Alters Reality

Posted by ElectricWhite on 18-03-2012 at 20:32:

Damn, so much of it sounds like my life! I'll spare you the bulk of the details, but I will say that my brother's much the same way, except he's 61, never been in the military, and has managed to never use his own money to pay his own bills. He was so determined to not do his part that, when my mom had to have surgery and nobody else could take care of his kid, he faked a heart attack rather than spending a couple of days off being a parent!

Anyway, I'm the primary caregiver for Dad, who's now 81. There have been times when I really needed someone to take up the slack while I dealt with some of my own health issues. (Up until a year ago, Dad was incredibly independent; in fact, people still think he's 20 years younger.) By then, I knew I couldn't count on my brother. What I've ended up doing is treat him more like a distant cousin -- someone to occasionally talk to in order to catch up on recent events. The adjustment wasn't easy at first, but I can now honestly say that I (and the family who is here) haven't felt as stressed as we did when any of us tried to get my brother to act as responsibly as he should.

I know there are a good number of people who'd object to this. But, when somebody is unwilling to do their share or even consider something as small as a slight change in attitude, there's not a whole lot you can do about it. Sometimes you have to quit slamming into a brick wall and go around it.

I hope your mom's doing better, and I pray matters ease up for you.

__________________
“There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them." --Ray Bradbury

Posted by ChrisW on 18-03-2012 at 22:57:

Lots of good advice, here. All I can say is *hugs* to all of you who are having to deal with this kind of thing.

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Posted by lborgia88 on 19-03-2012 at 00:19:

I agree! Huggles

Posted by littlewolf on 19-03-2012 at 00:20:

I understand, it is so frustrating, when someone will not help
I have one sister like that

Late last year my mum (80) wanted to visit her to sister (83 and 86) for 2 weeks in another state,
someone needed to "dad sit" (81 partially blind, had strokes, diabetes) nothing major (feed, doctors appointment etc),

I have 3 other sisters, sister 4 busy on a farm, sister 2 and myself check on mum and dad constantly (we work around our busy schedules) sister 3 (doesn't work, little or no responsibility), it was her turn to help out, WELL NO she wasn't going to help, made mum feel bad about asking, etc she actually had a full on bitch about other unrelated stuff

Sister 2 and I ended up played tag team, I had morning she had evening, we juggled days off,

Sister 3 still bitches about it and wonders why we do not included her or tell her what is doing on,
This is not the first time she has done this, and we can't rely on her, somehow she always thinks that "it's all about her" and we are deliberatley trying to cause her inconvients

My point (though long winded) is that IT IS NOT ABOUT THEM..it's about family and helping each other, about dropping what is not important, to do things that are..even if you are not close or don't like the other person.

It's about sharing the work load, about understanding that one person can't do EVERYTHING, without they themselves needing assitance in the long run

My mum is still independant , and dad is a hand full, we sat down and discusses what they would like , eg when the house becomes to much, the possiblilites of a retirement complex, mum still drives but she considers giving it up next year so we will arrange taxi vouchers, their wills and enduring powers of attorney

All the hard questions - so now we have a plan
and that gives us peace of mind

We know we can't rely on sister 3 (we have talked till we argued still not good, just can't get it through her thick skull) so now sister 2,4 and myself have taken action,

Amethyst - some people just don't get it, they are so use to it being "someone elses problem" to handle, they can be helpful sometimes and iresponsible the next, - no consitancy, unfortunatley you deplete your reserves of energy trying to deal with them

Try and talk to your mum - work out a contingenty plan with all case scenarious
look at sourcing some outside help - nurses that visit, community centers, neighbours, meals-on-wheels, see if the hospital can help with contact for out-patients.

Share the responsiblity with people who are trained for these situation - don't get to the point were you make yourself sick.

Unfortunalty sometimes you need to cut your loses and realize they are not going to change, it's a hard thing to face up to, but it saves a lot of frustration, and property damage, trying to get them to see your side of things

ps Luvu4 Huggles kissing to you, your family and your mum
and for when you need it MG40 Bomb and one red button, and a handful of goons to kick around

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May the bad things get lost on the way to you door!

Posted by Transmute Jun on 19-03-2012 at 17:32:

Amethyst, I'm sorry you've had to deal with this stress. I can imagine how frightening, hurtful and frustrating this has been. It's perfectly reasonable to want your brother to pitch in when it comes to the care of your mother. Here's how I think it should goo the next time:

You: Mom's in the hospital. She's at Queen. You will need to pick her up and take her home and take care of her on Tuesday.

Brother: Me? I can't do that! I have (fill in the blank here) on Tuesday!

You: Okay, maybe I can rec-rrange my schedule to do it. But then you will have to be with her on Wednesday and Thursday. Does that work better for you?

etc. etc.

Basically, when you speak with him, take it for granted that he's going to help, and then he won't be able to back out without seriously burning some bridges. And if that's what he chooses to do, then I think it's pretty clear where his priorities fall, and where yours should fall. At that point, you have to consider what EW has done with her brother.

FWIW, I have a similar relationship with my brother... we aren't close, but there is a minimal thread of familiar obligation... mostly going from me to him. Sigh...

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Posted by jublke on 04-04-2012 at 00:37:

Amethyst, I'm sorry that you are going through so much. Many hugs.

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Heart "The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing." -- Blaise Pascal Heart

Posted by amethyst on 04-04-2012 at 03:27:

Hey all!

Thanks for the advice and the well wishes.

Mom is doing okay. She had surgery today on her wrist because the orthopedist did not like the way it was setting. She is temporarily in more pain, but in the end it should heal better. She's got a follow up tomorrow and then again next week.

My brother hasn't been seen since the day after her fall. I'm betting he'll find an excuse to pass on Easter dinner, too.

I've been writing, but not typing. Plus, I've been hyper-focusing on a couple sewing projects. Hopefully, toward next week I'll be able to start balancing everything a bit more successfully.

Deepest apologies to those of you whom I promised to beta for and completely flaked. Moments like this are one of the reasons I stopped beta reading completely for so long. Hopefully, I'll get to them soon, but thoroughly understand if you do not or cannot wait.

Hope everyone else is doing well and that everyone has a good Easter weekend. Our drama has just started as my 19 year old is upset that I've told him no colored eggs and no hunts this year.

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Perspective Alters Reality

Posted by ChrisW on 04-04-2012 at 04:42:

*hugs* Amethyst. Take care of yourself first.

I'm glad your mom is improving at least!

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Eagle Whisperer

Posted by Transmute Jun on 04-04-2012 at 14:37:

I'm glad your Mom is doing better Amethyst. Huggles And if your 19 year old wants colored eggs and hunts, he could do it himself!

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Posted by ElectricWhite on 04-04-2012 at 16:47:

Glad to hear things are looking up for your mom! I'll still keep you in my thoughts as things continue to balance out for you. I know this isn't much help, but, if we didn't have 3/4 of a continent between us, I would've gladly colored some eggs and sent them your way!

__________________
“There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them." --Ray Bradbury

Posted by KT1972 on 04-04-2012 at 17:42:

great news Ame, hope things continue to improve! Hug

__________________
Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement; nothing can be done without hope. - HELEN KELLER

Posted by Becky Rock on 04-04-2012 at 23:20:

I'm glad your Mom is doing better, Ame.

Have a wonderful Easter without your brother. Remember, you don't get to chose your blood, but you do get to chose your friends and we're all here for you.

Don't worry about the betas - we all understand.

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I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers so far...

Posted by lborgia88 on 05-04-2012 at 01:19:

Glad to hear your Mom is on the route to recovery, and Huggles to you.

Posted by k2p2 on 05-04-2012 at 20:12:

Ame..you can tell your kids there's no colored eggs at my house either...tell him its a trend...

Actually our late night hunt last saturday was cancelled due to yet another Tornado Warning...Airborne eggs, whodathunkit?

Frankly, I like the schedule idea...tell him he has Tuesday next week to take her such and such appointment. That's it...an order, like in the Military...Or give him the grocery list and tell him it needs to be on her counter Monday night...That might work...sometimes folks just need parameters.

Seriously Ame, I am keeping you in my thoughts. Do what you can do, when you can do it. I had to quit betaing, as it was taking too much of my writing time a few years ago...

Post pics of what you do sew though...Love to see it.

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Posted by clouddancer on 09-04-2012 at 00:52:

Sorry you have been having a hard time Amethyst. I hope your mom continues to improve and that your family enjoyed their Easter, even without the coloured eggs or hunt.

Of course at 19 your son could always have tried colouring egg on his own ...

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