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--- The law courts ! ! ! ! ! ! (http://www.gatchamania.net/threadid.php?threadid=2901)
Posted by meg on 15-03-2010 at 11:09:
The law courts ! ! ! ! ! !
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes . ;
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________________________ ______ _________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
___________________________________ ______ ___
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____ ________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
___________________________! ______________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law
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Posted by Madilayn on 15-03-2010 at 11:12:
NOSE COLA!!
You really have to worry where some attorneys got their degrees - or if they are actually taking notice of what is said in court.
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"When I'm old, I don't want them to say of me, "She's so charming." I want them to say, "Be careful, I think she's armed." -G. Stoddart
Posted by green on 15-03-2010 at 11:13:
These are just priceless! Thank you for sharing!
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Exaggeration misleads the credulous and offends the perceptive. ~Eliza Cook
Posted by Transmute Jun on 15-03-2010 at 13:28:
Very silly! Just as good as Japanese Earthquake Instructions! 
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Posted by SJ_SwanJun on 15-03-2010 at 13:30:
:snort:!!
Oh what an awesome way to begin the morning...
Loved these... got any more???
SJ
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Sighhh
Why do men snore when lying on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their butt holes and they vapour lock.
Posted by Springie on 15-03-2010 at 15:09:
Funny stuff!
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Posted by amethyst on 15-03-2010 at 16:15:
Oh, god, Meg, I need the ISBN for that book. 
Edit: Sorry Meg, at first I saw Springie's name on the board and didn't think that was for the last post not the original.
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Perspective Alters Reality
Posted by clouddancer on 15-03-2010 at 17:05:
Those are great. Thank you for posting.
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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Posted by UnpublishedWriter on 16-03-2010 at 00:20:
Japanese Earthquake Instructions?
For a couple of those, I suddenly thought of Berg Katse's interesting -- talent. Attorney: "How many of your children were boys?" Witness: "None of them." Attorney: "How many were girls?" Witness: "None of them." Attorney (now thoroughly confused): "Huh?"
Witness: "My only surviving child is -- AGHK!" (Falls over dead, with dart in neck.) Attorney (realizing the truth): "Your Honor, I withdraw this case." Judge (wanting to live to die of old age): "Motion granted."
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Benefits, not features; benefits, not features
Posted by Becky Rock on 16-03-2010 at 00:47:
That was great and UW, yours too. I think I'd fall over laughing if I was a jurer in a case like that.
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I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers so far...
Posted by Transmute Jun on 16-03-2010 at 01:00:
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Oh, shoot, I can't find it, but a couple of years ago there was an email joke circulating which gave the instructions 'in event of an earthquake' form the back of a Tokyo Hilton hotel room door. Of course, it was translated into English from Japanese, and the translator wasn't very familiar with the English language... well, I'm sure you can guess how it went.
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Posted by UnpublishedWriter on 16-03-2010 at 01:19:
Engrish. It was probably word-for-word translated, and grammatical, but the meaning had not been conveyed.
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Benefits, not features; benefits, not features
Posted by green on 16-03-2010 at 02:27:
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Or as I know it, Japlish.
Let me have a look through the stuff I've got stored around this place (my puters). Friends have sent me photos and things they've found, but I'm not sure if I've kept them...
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Exaggeration misleads the credulous and offends the perceptive. ~Eliza Cook
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