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--- *sigh* (http://www.gatchamania.net/threadid.php?threadid=173)
Posted by Elvin Ruler on 17-05-2004 at 21:23:
*sigh*
It always depresses me. Got home yesterday from visiting my great-grandmother. I like visiting her. Sure, she can be repetitive, but it's always nice to see her. She's 93, that's all. People have a right to be repititve at that age.
But it hurts so bad when she gets caught up on the fact that only one of her living daughters visits, or heck, even calls her. My late grandmother used to visit Granny all the time. One of her sisters visits Granny twice a week to help get things, like groceries or take her to hair appointments. The other two don't even acknowledge her. No visits, no letters, no phone calls. When will they learn? Time is running out for them. Sure, they live a couple of hours away, but would it hurt for them to call for a half-hour or so every now and then?
If there's one thing that I absolutely HATE about this country, it's our treatment of the elderly.
__________________
What if there is a spoon? 
Posted by Lolabella on 18-05-2004 at 14:20:
Grandpa Charlie
Elvin,
Your 'rant' reminds me of my situation with my Grandparents. For a brief time ( before bought and moved into my current home), I stayed with my parents at the same time my Grandparents temporarily lived with them too.
My Grandfather, Charlie, was in a later stage of Alzheimer's. Grandma would knit and talk about their lives together as Grandpa would sit in a chair and stare out the window. Every once in awhile Grandpa would talk about his 2 sisters and ask when he and Grandma would go visit them.
Grandma's response 'They are dead Charlie'. Grandma refused to give into the Alzheimer's and thought she could bring back his memory by simply stating the facts.
Upon hearing that his sisters were dead, Grandpa would get real quiet and then softly ask how they died. Grandma would tell him and so the daily cycle would begin because after awhile, Grandpa would ask about his sisters and Grandma would tell him.
I wonder what it must have been like for him to experience their death over and over again. I would get so angry at Grandma each time she told him that they were dead. My wish is that she would have just went along with him and told him they were living happily somewhere far and he would get to visit them soon.
Sadly, Grandpa passed away last August. I like to believe that he is reunited with his sisters somewhere in the heavens.
__________________
Posted by Tengu on 18-05-2004 at 14:45:
I think so too.
after my grandfather died I always went to see my nan three times a week, and my father (not her son, but son in law) visited for a few minutes most days.
when she became ill I moved in with her and was preparing for a long stay. It was awkward because she didnt want me underfoot all the time and I am not cut out to be a carer.
But she died after a month. I was very thankful I was able to look after her to the end.
in many middle and far eastern countries they treat the elderly with far more respect than we do.
I have just been to see Bob, who lives at the bottom of the street, he is disabled and cant get out much, but many people help him.
Now that broadband is in the village a perennial delight for him is the NY webcams...he has never visited a city before.
__________________
"If you think I am a Condor, you may keep that opinion;
Though I am no Condor, my Skylines rusty enough."
Posted by Firebird on 18-05-2004 at 14:47:
Elvin,
you will find that it is a similar story for most of the "westernise" world.
For one reason or another we just dont maek the time to look after our elderly and are then left with regrets and "What if's"
__________________
Like the Phoenix I rise from the fire. Beware all who try to tame me, you may get burned 
Posted by CricketBeautiful on 18-05-2004 at 16:47:
We don't make time for the elderly, and we rush to leave home in the first place.
I wonder if it's because, deep down, we're a nation of immigrants. My inlaws left Romania right after WW2, leaving behind their families. I'm third generation Canadian, but every root of my family has a tradition of leaving home at 18 for school or work. Maybe it's the distance -- many of us don't live near a post-secondary school that meets our needs. And then work, especially if both you and your partner need a job.
So, we've turned it into a virtue -- living on our own, independent, responsible for ourselves. Definitely has some good points, but we're missing out, too.
My neigbour's son missed out on playschool, but enjoyed time with his Nona. Rocket's playmate's grandfather is able to spend more time with his grandchildren than with his own kids; they manage to mix group and family and independent activities well.
The distances make things harder later, too. When Grandma moved, she had to leave her friends, the lady at the bank, the grocer who knew her, her doctor, her favourite walk. Finding her a new doctor was very difficult, as they're in short supply here.
When my FIL asked his parents to come over from Romania, they didn't want to. A decade later, when the family went back for a visit, she wanted to come over, but it was too late. She would not have been able to communicate, and she was terrified of driving over 30 kph. Fortunately, another family over there adopted her -- they moved in, treated her as a grandmother, and inheritted the house.
The nursing home situation here makes it even harder. If you take in a relative, even just while waiting for a nursing home, they're taken off the list. They only go back on when their condition changes, and the new list can be years long.
When we were looking for a place for Grandma, they had just combined all the lists in the province; there was a good chance that she'd be put in yet another city. Good if you're desparate for any place, but not if you want to stay close.
Still, the independent life has compensations. We learn we can do because we have to. Nursing yourself through a fever is good practice for hubby or kid. A few years away can solidify the "two adults" relationship in a way that growing up and staying might not. Visits are special. Kids learn to write thank you notes and mail them.
Guess it's like anything, really. There's no perfect solution; best we can do is play the hand we're dealt.
__________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space.
In that space is our power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
- Viktor E. Frankl
Posted by Elvin Ruler on 19-05-2004 at 01:23:
Independence *is* a great thing. I just think that this country has taken it too far. When I visit nursing homes, people I've never seen before who live there are just so happy to see me. Often, in their rooms, the most recent photograph in there (if there's anything at all) is from the 80s. People always realize what they missed after it's been taken away. If only they would realize what they're missing before. It doesn't seem to work out that way.
The situation for nursing homes is pretty bad right now, I will agree. Sure, there are plenty of bad ones, but who could put a relative there? (Unfortunately, the number seems to be *way* too high.) As I said earlier, my great-Aunt is taking care of Granny. But it's very likely that should that situation change that my mom would step in and bring Granny down here.
Thanks for sharing all of ya'll's stories. It's always great to hear that other people feel the same way about a situation. Sometimes it leads for a change in the way things are done. I actually hope to start a change, at least in my own family, the way that the elderly are treated.
__________________
What if there is a spoon?
Posted by Firebird on 19-05-2004 at 08:19:
The one memory I have of mt grandmother was that she was in a sheltered accomodation complex. SHe was visited but various members of the family throughout the week and was pretty much the lynch pin of our family.
Unfortunately she died shortly after my son got out of hospital when he was born.
My son grew up with his nan being his child minder while I worked, this was after he was in full time nursery before that he was surrounded by extended family. Now at 16 his nan is still a feature in his life and she lives in sheltered accomodation (a choice she made as it meant she had back up and can still be independant). I dont see her as often as I would like but that is for a variety of reasons.
I dont know what the future will bring I do know I am having enough fun trying to sort through the here and now and that more than anything prevents visits. As far as my sons paternal grandparents are concerned I try to help them keep in touch but as his father and I are divorced and his father wants nothing to do with our son its hard for my son to cope with visits as his dad lives with his parents.
You see Elvin its not just the elderly that dont get looked after at times some people are like that with every generation. 
__________________
Like the Phoenix I rise from the fire. Beware all who try to tame me, you may get burned
Posted by Elvin Ruler on 20-05-2004 at 18:12:
That's entirely too true. I'm very sorry to hear that.
__________________
What if there is a spoon?
Posted by ninja-sam on 20-05-2004 at 19:24:
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I can't speak for this particular situation, of course, but one thing I will point out is that the relationship between a daughter and a mother is very different from that between grand and great grand daughters and their grand and great grandmothers.
I had a terrible relationship with my mother which didn't improve no matter what I tried to do to heal things when I was an adult. She was an unhappy, emotionally abusive woman who only accepted her idea of what was true or possible about life. And no, I didn't talk to her often in her later years, it was too difficult and painful and I had to at least try to keep the bleeding ulcers and panic attacks she gave me as a teenager from recurring.
Not trying to imply any similarities here. But I also know that I had a bitter fight with my uncle, her brother, over this, during which I quietly told him that he was offering opinions on things he knew absolutely nothing about. He was totally unaware of what went on inside our immediate family...and that's often the case, even for relatives, in any given situation.
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That's no ordinary sea anemone!!
Posted by Elvin Ruler on 20-05-2004 at 19:46:
No, that isn't the case for these relatives, though it is for some others. I'm sorry to hear about yours. I do acknowledge that there are some people that cause their family to leave them, no matter how patient they may be. This is just a case of her daughter not thinking to call. In all honesty and in her defense, she probably *doesn't* think about it.
In my family there is absolutely *no* privacy. ^_^ If you absolutely despise someone and they feel the same, everyone knows. Except for maybe the fourth and fifth cousins. ^_^
__________________
What if there is a spoon?
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