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--- Bullying at school, arghhhh. (http://www.gatchamania.net/threadid.php?threadid=1726)
Posted by CricketBeautiful on 19-03-2008 at 16:13:
Bullying at school, arghhhh.
At the parents' seminar about bullying last month, the other parent asked if you should go to the other parent first. They said usually not. Today I learned they were right.
Son-9 feels he is being bullied. The alleged aggressor is physically large, a year older, and is used to less-sensitive people. She's teased him for over a year now. I'll admit, maybe only the first few times were intentional teasing, and we're over-sensitive. "Have you learned your lines?" sounds like "I've learned mine." Even her classmates have called her a bully. But she keeps doing it, even when I've told her to leave it alone.
She has a yappy dog. Son is phobic about dogs, but has made great progress. He does better with big dogs, mostly because they're usually taught better manners. Bringing the dog up to him to be petted, to help him get over his fear and prove the dog is nice, does not help! "Get him away from me!" "Oh, come on, he wouldn't hurt a flea."
I've thanked her repeatedly for wanting to help, and told her that I know her dog wouldn't hurt a flea (I make a point of petting it whenever we're close), but when someone is as scared as Chris is, the only thing that will help is waiting for him to decide for himself. Pushing the issue just makes him more scared.
The last afternoon before the break, he was hit in the leg. Playing with a whole bunch of kids on the far side of the snow pile. We'll never know who did it. He thought it was her, since he's sensitized to her. That was enough to convince him to actually talk to the teacher. I left a message immediately, but it wasn't until Tuesday that the school got it.
There's a whole lot going on besides this person. Many of the things he told the teacher are things he's afraid of couldn't have happened to him, but they're the sort of things kids threaten to do, and could have happened to his friends, from other bullies in the school. So in some ways this is a test case for him. If all goes well, he'll bring up the other problems, so they can be dealt with.
I'm being vague about "dealt with". The right way depends on the kids involved and what actually happened or might happen or is imagined might happen.
So, yesterday son talked with his teacher, who is also assistant VP. She talked to the other child separately, then both of them.
After school the child came across the yard to me and told me she was a good kid and had never been in trouble before, and would help find who hit his leg. I bit my tongue, thanked her for wanting to help, and prayed she wouldn't. I agree with the teacher for changing the accusation to "We need to find out who did it," but,...
This morning I went to the parent and said I thought about going to her first, but always make a mess of these things, so followed the school's advice. (She was, after all, the person at the seminar who asked whether to go to the parent.)
She replied with, "You've already done it all wrong." Her child couldn't have done any of those things, and never would, and is owed an apology, and now has a mark on her record, and lost fifteen (count them! fifteen! She'll never recover!) of instructional time, and I shouldn't have stepped in last month when her daughter asked if he'd learned his lines, and she's dealing with a real case of bullying with her own son, and my son will get what's coming to him for the false accusation.
I made the mistake of agreeing with her on the points I did agree with -- my son is no angel, and has an imperfect memory -- and being silent on the rest. I said I was sorry if her daughter was falsely accused, and trusted the school to get to the bottom of it. Try to find common ground, and work from there. Hear the other person, so she can hear you.
She, on the other hand, heard only the accusation that her precious, perfect girl is a bully. The tiniest mention of "I'm sorry Son feels that way." Tons of "He hurt my daughter with his lie, and he won't get away with it." No mention of, "I'll ask her to stay away from him."
If the situation were reversed, she'd have said, "I'm sorry if it was a false accusation, but that's what my daughter believed at the time, and sometimes you have to deal with that sort of thing." Well, lady, your daughter can deal with it too! Life ain't fair, and never has been.
This is the woman who blasted my daughter for wanting five feet around her on the rink. My kid, nervous on skates, can't see behind her thanks to the helmet, staying near the edge. Her kid, competent on skates, coming up in my kid's peripheral vision -- it's downright scary! And then her kid skated rings around mine, literally -- just out of arm's reach, to prove the point that she can skate really close and not fall on my kid. I spent the next ten minutes walking between my kid and the rest of the rink.
Her kid has good points, too. Another time she helped my daughter balance on skates and alternate feet.
It's a shame. Many parents hang out after school, and the kids get exercise. Son needs that exercise and socializing. So do I. I have a feeling this is going to split the group. I've tried really hard to spend time with the parents I don't particularly like, and be fairly quiet. I need to know them. I've gotten used to them allowing more roughhousing than I like. Son's gotten used to stepping away when things get rougher than he likes. That's real progress! (Yes, I also spend time with the parents I do like. I need to spend more time with them. I don't want people to say, "Oh, yes, she's a bully!" I do want them to say, "It's terrible that your son feels this way. I hope things get resolved."
(Okay, I'd just love them to all say "Yes, she's a bully, and we're so happy your son is standing up to her -- we're all afraid to -- and she deserves all sorts of terrible things, and you're not over-reacting at all!" But I know that's not true.)
I ended up going around the block and back to the school. I knew the teacher was filling in for the VP this week. Asked for a Kleenex box, and said it was that time of the month.
I like this teacher. She went over what Son had said. She said she did not believe the girl would do this sort of thing.
She believes Son is being affected by something. Earlier this year he was doing great, now he can't focus in class. I think she's focusing too much on the specific hitting incident, but has names from Son of several witnesses, which will help. We have to start somewhere.
She has not put a black mark on the girl's record, but when I told her a few other things I saw the kid do, she acted like she will watch the girl a bit more closely. The staff is really good at sharing information like this, without being judgmental. They have a lot of programs for kids who are at risk of becoming bullies. Unfortunately, her Mom heard the list at the seminar, so if she comes home excited at being made "playground monitor", her Mom will know what's up.
I also mentioned that some of the things Son said are probably things he's afraid of rather than thinks that actually happened, and she nodded like she'd already thought of that.
I told her that I'd heard her classmates call her a bully, so the good models probably aren't hanging around with her, and she doesn't understand how some people interpret her words. She said she'd told the girl that sometimes things are understood in ways you didn't intend them to be.
The teacher said the girl had mentioned trying to help Son with the dog. The teacher told her, "When someone is that scared, you can tell him your dog's an angel and he's as small as a thumbtack, and he'll still be scared, and bringing him close will make things worse." Yes! Not blaming my son for being oversensitive, appreciating the girl for wanting to help, and stopping the harmful behaviour -- exactly what I was trying to do, but from an unbiased observer. (I suspect the parent would have emphasized the first point.)
I told her that I'd talked to the parent, and the parent's reaction. When I reached "she lost fifteen minutes of instructional time," the teacher said, "Well, I guess when I follow up with her, it will be at recess." I don't want the teacher to take sides. That would be bad for Son in the long run. But I suspect she thinks I'm more open to middle ground and the entire picture than the other parent is.
This teacher has a huge, visible burn scar. She was bullied a lot as a kid. She absolutely gets how devastating it can be.
She has seen Son at his best and worst. She knows he has difficulties. There are some really challenging kids in the class, and she makes it work. Kids who blow up for no reason. Kids who won't let others concentrate. Kids who refuse to even try to pay attention.
Teacher says Son's a really good leader. (He's one of seven grade 4's in a 3/4 split.) He tells the distracting kids when they're bothering him, and works with them and plays with them the rest of the time. On the surface, he handles this stress really well.
She is also fair. She will help Son deal with his issues, whatever they are, now that he's opened the door for her. She already knew he was having more trouble focusing than usual. She understands that it's complicated.
At the seminar, we learned that the first step for them is to make the bully aware she it is hurting the other kid, and they are watching. Sometimes the awareness, or implied threat, is enough. They record everything, so all staff know the history. Several mild offenses add up! They also listen to the victim, give him tools, and make sure he knows to report back if things get worse -- some bullies, now that they know it's working, keep going, or try to punish the victim for squealing.
__________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space.
In that space is our power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
- Viktor E. Frankl
Posted by CricketBeautiful on 19-03-2008 at 16:30:
Only 100,000 characters per message allowed.
He's had a rough life. He's terrible at sports. He has ADHD with some Aspergers' symptoms -- but not enough to be diagnosed as even borderline. That affects social awareness -- he doesn't notice subtle signs, which is a blessing until he does start noticing them, and realize no one likes him. His mother's an interfering over-achiever and over-analyzer who was bullied herself, and never did master socializing. His little sister is doing all sorts of things which get praise. He dropped out of several things because he doesn't like to work at things. I try really hard to help him earn confidence, but it's tricky when he doesn't want to do anything.
I know we will get through this, and it was the right thing to do. Even talking to the mother was right, in an "experience means you've made the mistake before" sort of way. I no longer think I owe her anything, and will not expect her to be part of the solution. I think her daughter, the accused, is handling it better. She wants to do the right thing, and is open to the fact that sometimes the obvious thing isn't the right thing. I could be wrong on that. We'll still avoid her.
I'm to go in again after school and talk to the teacher. It could be difficult -- I have an appointment and won't be able to arrive early, and I suspect the other mother will be there, too, and I don't want her to think I ran to the teacher. Hopefully, since she takes her kids home for lunch, she'll talk to the teacher then.
Please pray (or your equivalent) for everyone involved, that it is as quick and painless as possible, and has long-lasting good effects. I hope for a win-win situation. I suspect this is only the tip of the iceberg, but at least it's a start.
Prayers for the school staff as well. They're stuck in the middle, and this is our kids we're talking about. If they don't work a miracle, they'll have an upset parent on their hands -- a fate I would wish on no one.
Cricket
__________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space.
In that space is our power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
- Viktor E. Frankl
Posted by Metaliant on 19-03-2008 at 17:28:
I hope everything will turn out fine Cricket.
I know from experience about kids, younger, same age as me and even older kids who bully me for whatsoever reasons.
Right up to the age of 9 or 10, I actually never knew that I was partially sighted and was being bullied from about 7 years old.
the reasons were basically, my ginger hair, my sight disability, hunched shoulders and right foot slighty turned to the right, which I believe was the result of my disability. Hunched shoulders was because I was leaning forward to see where I was going and the right foot turning a bit to the right was probably because of my nystagmus, which basically means wonky sense of balance. I was also bullied because of my teeth weren't straight and I did have slighty too many.
I won't go into any of the names that kids use to call me at all, but I had basically 2 reactions when somebody bullied me.
1) Just got upset and went of to a corner crying which made things worst.
2) Threw my glasses (and sometimes break them) on the floor or against a wall and then go off and cry.
I hardly had any cofidence in myself at all.
Went I went to comphrensive school when I was 12 years old, I had 2 winsdon teeth taken out and had to wear a brace (retainer)24 hours, 7 days a week. Now most kids would try not to wear anything like that at all, but since I was being bullied partly because of my teeth, I decided that in the long, run to wear the brace (retainer) and in the end, that bit of bulling would end, which it did. This gave me a bit of confidence which I lacked extremely as a kid.
My glasses that I wore were actually not helpful whatsoever and looked absolutely horrible and that was another thing that I was bullied at school for. But in my 3rd year at comp school, when I was about 14, my brace (retainer) game out and though I still had to wear it at night time for a few more months, I had striaght teeth and my new pair of glasses, were of a brownish frame and lens instead of the mortled brown frame and blue lens. Useeess but better than the horrible mortled brown frames ones.
Both things gave me a bit more confidence in myself and the bulling kinda of trickled away, but was still there to some degree, but I started to stand up for myself and on at least 2 situations, I stood up for myself agianst my friends as they called themselves.
It wasn't until I went to college that I had a lot more confidence. Espeically after trying to move around without glasses for a week and finding out that there wasn't much difference without them and I started to do weight training, Judo and Karate which boosted my confidence.
I hardly had any true friends at school and college but ever since coming online I have met some friendly people (like you crazy lot) and felt more happier.
__________________
Eagle in Residence
Tempory Frisker
Posted by lborgia88 on 19-03-2008 at 17:46:
I don't have kids, but I can feel for what you're going through. It must be so hard, wanting to help your son through a difficult situation that has no simple solution. The fact that you're there for your son and are paying attention to what's going on in his life is surely invaluable help to him. Adolescence was a hard time for me. My mother couldn't wave any wands to magically fix things, but she could listen with understanding and tell me that things would get easier eventually. That was comforting at the time, and, hey, she was right, things did get easier eventually.
I'll do my equivalent to praying for you and your son.
Posted by amyltrer on 19-03-2008 at 19:47:
Met, I know how you've felt. I used to get bullied a lot during first grades. I was a plump kid, I still am but learned to deal with.
Having other kids pointing the finger at me and calling me names was not fun! Not only bullying makes the victim mad at himself, but it shatters his self confidence , so s/he will later become a shy, insociable person. I had problems with fitting in a group for a long period and I often feel like an outcast.
What made me feel better was playing basketball. Later my cousin taught me some self-defence moves, and the bullying reprises had lessen since. It might had to do with beating off the offenders. A kick, a whack, some slaps, enough to show them they will suffer if they pick on me.
Cricket, you may take your son for painting classes. It's relaxing. Or anything he might like and be good at. Even Judo. Knowing that you can defend yourself against attackers gives a strong sense of self confindence.
Because bullies pick on only on smaller and weaker kids, physical or mental. Usually they pick on other kids who are afraid of them. Even little kids can be incredible mean. It's no point to tell them to stop bully a another kid, because they're hurting him. This is just what they want to.
I'm not saying the violence is the key against the bullies. I'm saying to take up an attitude!
I hope this helped!
__________________
It is the tiny spark of humanity that adds blaze to a villain
Posted by Springie on 19-03-2008 at 20:11:
Boy can I identify, Cricket! My son also has ADHD and is being tested for Asperger's...and he is starting to have social issues...
He has many fears, and doesn't like to try new things. He still can't ride a bike or swim...but I am determined to have those things conquered this summer! He is often left out of slumber parties, dirt bike trips, etc. because of the way he overreacts to things. He has an IEP, which has been a blessing, and he gets lots of one on one attention at school. The class he is in also helps alot with his sensory issues.
I think you did the right thing by making sure this issue is addressed properly. After all, you are your son's best advocate. It sounds like the teacher has things well in hand, and hopefully, she will be able to smooth things over and keep your son feeling safe at school.
Let us know how it goes!
__________________
Posted by SJ_SwanJun on 19-03-2008 at 20:13:
Wow - and here I thought I was the only one who was mercilessly bullied out of all of us.
I went through a living Hell in High School with bullying which was directed at me not so much because of me, but because of my ... uh ... family and ... um ... reputation of my matriarchal figure...
Yeah, okay, my Mom (whom I love dearly in case that doesn't properly project)...
To point back at the SJ is a MORON thread, my teacher was the one who taught me how to deal with the stress - even though he never knew how tough I was ridiculed.
He probably thought I was almost liked by other kids.
ANYWAY ... I digress.
Cricket, I feel your pain. My little fella (WHO IS 3 TODAY!!) is being bullied at daycare by a 7-8 year old. This kid has stolen from him, in one case the R4 card for his Nintendo DS (a $100 mod-card with 25 different games on it).
It has taken a lot to get my little guy to actually admit to it, and he only does in little spits and spats when I lie with him as he goes to sleep ... When questioned by daddy he denies it all.
The signs are there, though. He is fidgety, especially when diaper change comes - which initially alarmed the shit out of me. I asked him why he is having trouble being toilet trained, and he commented that "Anh" at daycare makes fun of him in the bathroom. He cowers pretty easily, and he strikes out of the blue and yells "you're a bad boy!" at both Flash and I...
He began swearing. He started biting ...
I am still not sure exactly what that means, or if it is just warble coming from a kid trying to make excuses, but when I try to question Daycare, Joshie simply denies it.
:shrugs:
I'm lost.
Cricket, darl. Hang in there and remember that you are doing this for the protection of your child. If the parent of the girl doesn't want to listen or accept that perhaps her widdle angel is capable of naughty acts, then she's in for a butt-load of hell soon enough.
Bully's parents are loathe to admit, or accept that their widdle pweshus can be bad.
I hope you work it out ...
SJ
__________________
Sighhh
Why do men snore when lying on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their butt holes and they vapour lock.
Posted by stardust on 19-03-2008 at 20:43:
Wow Cricket I am so sorry for your bully troubles. From what I am reading, her mom is a bully too. Bullies don't have to actually be mean to you, they can do so by being very manipulative to get what they want.
I too was constantly picked on at school. For my teeth, for my weight, and the list goes on. But what I learned is when you stand up to a bully they back off. The day I almost punched a boy out (my female track coach intervened before I could follow through on the punch) is the day the teasing stopped. The look of fear in that boy's face was priceless. And you don't always have to resort to physical violence to fend off a bully. Words when used in the right way can be very effective. (Verbal Judo is a wonderful book)
__________________
Stardust
A villain must be a thing of power, handled with delicacy and grace. He must be wicked enough to excite our aversion, strong enough to arouse our fear, human enough to awaken some transient gleam of sympathy. - Agnes Repplier
Posted by stardust on 19-03-2008 at 20:44:
I too ran out of room, heres the rest of my post:
I would strongly recommend martial arts for more reasons than self defense to the children who have ADD. It teaches self discipline and gives focus, plus it will allow the child to release stress as well in a safe way. It is better than ritalin, which in my opinion robs the children of their true personalities. And make sure they haven't confused creativity with ADD, it's a common mistake to be made. Ritalin will squash their creative minds. My nephew is almost 18 and said he hated being on ritalin, he felt out of touch with everything because of it. (BTW caffeine works just as well on ADD, it has an opposite effect on them that it does in us)
Hope that helps some of you; keep us posted Cricket please.
__________________
Stardust
A villain must be a thing of power, handled with delicacy and grace. He must be wicked enough to excite our aversion, strong enough to arouse our fear, human enough to awaken some transient gleam of sympathy. - Agnes Repplier
Posted by Ebonyswanne on 19-03-2008 at 21:42:
Cricket your situation looks complicated! I'll pray for you and your children.
__________________
Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up- Pablo Picasso.
Posted by Ebonyswanne on 19-03-2008 at 21:48:
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Springie... I can't say I know what your going through there, but it must be stressful and heartbreaking when its your son. You just want to take away their pain don't you..I know I would if my little girl was going through something like that.
I'm a few years away from her starting kindergarten...
******
I got teased because of my older sister who was very overweight... thats because I told them to leave her alone.
But its hard when its happening... I had a bully run sandpaper up my leg on sports day. I got to class late and I was forced to sit next to her aggghhh... (I was about 14yrs old at the time.)
(We wore mini pleated skirts for sport day, talk about pantie flash.)
When I got home I tried to hide it, but mum saw the big red scratches on my thighs, it took her while to get it out of me who did it.
Then she stormed down to the high school the next day... I was embarrassed by her going to the school, I thought it would make it worse.
When I began to stand up to the girl she not only backed off, she got expelled for doing something else wrong. Well Mary(the bully) came back to the school about 6 months later, the first person she found was me.
She apologized for hurting me- I found out she was from a broken home(abusive parents) and she was jealous that my mother and father were together and that my mother cared so much about me that she came to school after what she did.
For a short time we became friends, she left again a short while later and from what I know she was put into foster care....so I guess you never know whats really going on in a kids life that makes them act that way.
__________________
Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up- Pablo Picasso.
Posted by Metaliant on 19-03-2008 at 23:22:
Girls do seem to be worse at bullying and I don't mean the physical bullying that boys do but more verbally and small things.
As for myself, one of the 2 younger boys who REALLY was nasty to me when I was at Junior school, when I was 10 and 11 years old, came round where I lived, couple of years after I left that Junior school to goto the Comp school. I think he came to have a piano lesson from one of my neighbours but not too sure. Anyway, as he was walking out of the area, I was ridng my bike.
Basically, he stopped me and wanted to have a go on my bike, I said no firmly and he got upset (instead of me getting upset) took my glasses and threw them onto the floor. I merely got off my bike, put the stand down and picked up my glasse warily and watching the kid trying to sit on my bike. I told him quite firmly to get of my bike or I push him off. He got upset again and got off my bike and slammed it onto the road and I got back on it.
After saying stuff, which I can't remember but he did call me a bastard because he was upset and my borther came pass with his girlfriend and asked me if everything was alright. I merely smiled and said yes and the kid just walked away.
I was extremely proud of that moment by standing up against one of my bullies.
I have done Karate and found that the Katas/forms (the techniques like punching and kicking are put into a sychronised pattern) have given me pleasure, calm confidence and as Stardust says, focus. This may be good for your son Cricket.
__________________
Eagle in Residence
Tempory Frisker
Posted by kimiko on 20-03-2008 at 13:49:
Bullying is something that I really don't understand why some people have to do and I think everyone has had to deal with it sometime in their lives. Is it jealousy? Are they lashing out for some reason and feel the need to put down someone else to feel superior because they feel inadequant? Are they seeking attention/acting out? Bad Parenting? Bad genes? Lack of a good role model? Learning by immitation? Is it a part of learning to socialize? Some people grow out of it...others it would seem don't. I have no clue but no one should have to put up with it.
My nephew has been having a few problems lately. The first incident was when he was in JK. He was called the 'N' word by a much smaller boy (oddly enough these two are now inseparable best buddies!). This was dealt with fast as it was overheard by a teacher. Lately though he has started not wanting to go to school and almost literally has to be dragged there. And getting him to talk about why he doesn't want to go is like pulling teeth. In the classroom he says 'nothing happens because the teacher is there'. 'Something' happened at recess, and he feels the monitors in the schoolyard 'don't listen to him' or 'make him feel that they don't want to do anything about it'. So whatever happened he feels frustrated and he feels can't go to the teacher about it. Granted the yard monitors are volunteers, don't have training like teachers and are more concerned with security issues like lurking child predators...but then again I have observed some of them doing more gabbing to each other than monitoring the kids.
I don't think you're alone Cricket and if you don't stand up for your kid then nobody will. It's natural to be protective and nobody wants to hear their kid's faults pointed out. I think you're being quite fair by trying to openly disguss the matter with this woman. But it sounds like she doesn't care to have the conversation and that just might be the same reason that her child is acting the way she is.
__________________
Putting the "Con" in Condor....Ooooo... shiny red button!
Posted by CricketBeautiful on 20-03-2008 at 14:59:
Thank you everyone for your support and sharing and prayers. I'll tell him I talked about it online, and many people had similar experiences. All of them grew up to be good, strong, resiliant, caring people, and wish him the best.
I talked to the teacher again after school. Many witnesses saw nothing. One saw exactly what Son said. Ding! One dent on the halo. And huge sigh of relief. I think this is a test case for him -- there are a lot of stress-causing kids in the school -- and "can't prove it" ain't gonna gain his trust.
Girl made excuses (was crowd on small hill). This is her first recorded offence, so they allowed her the accident way out (but still kept a note of it!). Teacher made sure I realized they had to allow her to save face, which I agree with. A defensive person doesn't understand things. Teacher explained that that's the reason they don't allow playing on the hill during school hours. Regardless of intentions or acident, Son still got hurt. Girl apologized. Son said "Thank you." Teacher says that she's heard Son accept a lot of apologies (there are some impulsive kids in the class). Son always adds, "And please try not to do it again." This time, he didn't. Teacher also told him clearly, in front of the girl, that if she does ANYTHING that hurts him, intentional or not, he is to tell teacher immediately.
From the seminar, I know this is the riskiest time. She may retaliate. She may not change enough. She may actually improve. I'll add that she may spread word that he's a whiner, or hang around him even more to prove she's a good kid. The entire process has gone as the seminar said it would. Teacher also said she'd left two messages for the mom.
Teacher said the witness said Son doesn't actually play with the kids after school. He comes close, but doesn't engage. The kids know this and accept it. I've seen that in action; they don't avoid him, but respect that he doesn't enjoy tussling. If he does join in, they let him set the pace, and accept that he may leave quickly. Overall, it's a good bunch of kids. He also said that earlier Son had been kicking and throwing snow a bit. I'm actually happy about that -- it's the closest to joining in he's ever done! Too bad it ended up with a boot to his leg.
I spent all night rehearsing things to say if the mom talks to me at all. "Thank you." "I'm sorry you feel that way", and trying to think of something if she keeps pushing about the part of the accusation which can't be proven -- the threats. If it was a false accusation, daughter is owed an apology. But, Son is scared, and to him it was not a false accusation, so apologizing would be bad for him. I do wish, though, that those had stayed between him and the teacher.
I almost asked Hubby to take the kids to school today, since it's impossible to get to "my" area of the yard without passing "her" area or the office. But, it's World Storytelling Day, and I had a commitment to Daughter's class. The mom was nowhere to be seen.
Metaliant, you're right, kids don't know that they don't see well -- it's normal for them. 1/4 of reading difficulties are actually vision, and most of them can't be caught by the family doctor. Same with hearing -- GPs don't realize it, but most of them don't have the right tools or training. I hope the doctor who gave you the useless glasses got his license pulled. He did you a real disservice, and prevented you from getting proper treatment.
Amy, he did try standing up to her, repeatedly. He told her exactly what she was doing, and that it hurt him, and to please stop doing it. When that didn't work, I told her exactly the same thing. The only time he used karate was a few years ago when a kid was punching him in line. The block wasn't nearly solid enough, and became one more thing to be teased about. It shook his faith in karate and in himself. "I'm a loser who can't even block a punch after a year of karate."
We've tried karate, rock climbing, recorder, pottery, and a social club by an independent social worker who specializes in kids with learning disabilities and socializing problems. I've offered him every lesson that comes around. Our city is a hotbed of home schooling, so there's a lot of demand for programs of all types. He even tried knitting, for long enough to see how it worked. The only thing he enjoyed was climbing camp, but isn't sure if he'll go back a third year. He didn't want to take climbing lessons during the year.
I think that school and homework during the year are enough to overwhelm him. He does find dribbling is a good break when stressed about homework. With his problems visualizing things, he doesn't enjoy drawing. It doesn't help that his parents and sister are constantly working on new things and getting good at them.
Springie, we got desparate enough to pay $110 for our son to learn to ride a bike! Over-protective or what! When he was 8, we saw an occupatinal therapist for handwriting. She said an hour of handwriting was counterproductive, and asked for a list of other things. Biking fit the bill nicely. She watched a home video, and it turns out the problem wasn't fear of speed, but balance. She put him on a special swing you ride like a horse, with no stirrups, and increased the difficulty of the moves. Within minutes he was balancing much better. Two weeks later he was riding. He's still not fast, especially on hills or cracks, and hates to practise anything, but at least he's over the hump. She also worked with autistic kids, so maybe the swing isn't something all OTs have. In Holland, they don't use training wheels, they use walking bikes. (Watching Grover Globetrotter is useful!) Wheels, frames, seats, handlebars, but no peddals. You sit on them and walk.
SJ, not wanting to tell Daddy is normal. Daddy will help him with sports and tree climbing and being manly. Mommy's the one he goes to with softer issues. It's great to have a parent of each type. I know how hard it is to tell the school, especially if your kid doesn't want you to.
Going back to your Moron thread. We see a lot of something similar in the shorthand group. People ask us to translate old diaries. The translators always ask if the person really, really wants to know what the writer wanted kept secret. Sometimes the best thing for apologies is to tell God. (I'm a militant agnostic, but by God, there are times when the guy is handy.) I trust him to hear what I really intend, despite what I feel or say in the moment, and hold on to the message for me, then send it on when and if the time is right, in the best way for the recipient. I hope your situation ended well, and that your "friend" realizes her over-enthusiasm was not appropriate for that piece. (Make that mild or sarcastic as appropriate for the case.)
Stardust, yep, her Mom is a bully, too. When I told my singing teacher about it (I knew it would affect my voice), she said the same thing. Formal definition: 1. Ongoing -- yep, since last year. 2. Position of power -- yep, taller than me, been at the school longer, was a teacher herself. 3. Knows or should know it hurts -- yep. 4. No acceptance of blame -- yep. Perfect score. She's a bully. We all are, to some extent, but most of us feel bad about it.
I've seen some kids given a new lease on life with the ADD drugs, and if Son wants to try them, he can, but they scare me more than the ADHD does. He was in karate for almost two years. It also helps brain hemisphere balance, and physical balance. He even tried katas a few times when stressed out during homework, and found they worked. He enjoyed it while it was new, but never worked on the katas at home, so never progressed. Sensei's daughter was repeatedly taunted in the bus line. School repeatedly refused to do anything. School then called because daughter had sat on kid and beat him up. School did not like Sensei's reaction to the proposed suspension. Daughter now has Masters in Environmental Science. Sensei doesn't allow child students to let anyone outside the dojo or house know they take karate; it leads to testing. She also said that if Son can't avoid the situation, he is to block as hard as he can, (Sensei can break arms by blocking, Son can't) and throw the second punch, and make it count. Daddy joined the dojo at the same time and is several belts in. Son knows he can rejoin at any time, or try a different martial art.
Metalliant, I hear you about the bike thing. Bullies are really good at making the victim think it's their fault.
Ebony, thanks for the prayers. You did the girl a service by getting folks in power to notice the problem. I'm so glad they were able to help her. Here, the humane society automatically notifies child welfare if there are kids in the home of an abused animal. They usually find the kids are in the middle of a chain. I don't think there's strong abuse in this girl's home, but the parents feel you have to let the little kids learn to stand up for themselves. Big sister gets away with a lot, and little siblings learn it's normal. It's a tough call, but I err on the side of standing up for my kid early.
Thanks so much for your support! We have a four-day weekend for Easter, computer-free. I'll keep you posted.
__________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space.
In that space is our power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
- Viktor E. Frankl
Posted by CricketBeautiful on 20-03-2008 at 15:17:
This is the story I told Son's class yesterday for World Storytelling Day.
(Many of the words are here:
http://www.wscribe.com/parables/pass.html
but I tell it slightly differently. Some parts I leave vague so I can be inspired by the moment.
-- First, I explain who Solomon was, in ten words or less.
One day, Solomon overheard his most trusted general, Benaiah, bragging to another. "I can do anything my King asks of me."
This saddened Solomon. It is not good to brag. So he devised a plan to humble Benaiah.
He said to him, "Benaiah, there is a certain ring that I want you to bring to me. I wish to wear it for Sukkot which gives you six months to find it."
"If it exists anywhere on earth, your majesty," replied Benaiah, "I will find it and bring it to you, but what makes the ring so special?"
"It has magic powers," answered the king. "If a happy man looks at it, he becomes sad, and if a sad man looks at it, he becomes happy." Solomon knew that no such ring existed in the world, but he wished to give his minister a little taste of humility.
Spring passed and then summer, and still Benaiah had no idea where he could find the ring.
-- Insert a few words about where he looked. Cities, countryside, cities, wharves, museums.
On the night before Sukkot, he decided to take a walk in one of he poorest quarters of Jerusalem. He passed by a merchant who had begun to set out the day's wares on a shabby carpet. "Have you by any chance heard of a magic ring that makes the happy wearer forget his joy and the broken-hearted wearer forget his sorrows?" asked Benaiah.
He watched the grandfather take a plain gold ring from his carpet and engrave something on it. When Benaiah read the words on the ring, his face broke out in a wide smile.
That night the entire city welcomed in the holiday of Sukkot with great festivity.
Benaiah went to his King in a private audience. Before he could say anything, Solomon said, "My friend, I am sorry. I sent you off on a wild goose chase. That was not fair of me, to abuse your trust. Can you ever forgive me?"
Benaiah smiled, and handed him the ring.
As soon as Solomon read the inscription, the smile vanished from his face. The jeweler had written three Hebrew letters on the gold band: _gimel, zayin, yud_, which began the words "_Gam zeh ya'avor_" -- "This too shall pass."
Solomon thought about it. A happy man reading it would realize that his happiness would pass. A sad man reading it would realize that his misery would end. Truly, it was a magic ring.
Solomon took a ruby ring from his finger and gave it to Benaiah in thanks. He wore the plain gold ring on his finger till the end of his days, to give him wisdom and balance.
__________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space.
In that space is our power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
- Viktor E. Frankl
Posted by CricketBeautiful on 20-03-2008 at 16:54:
(This is turning into a long-winded, cathartic journal for me!)
Kimiko,
A lot of it is lack of social skills, and a vicious cycle. If you don't know how to socialize or release frustration, then the kids willing to socialize with you aren't exactly good mentors, and...
(Believe it or not, Son hangs out with some of the disruptive students at recess. They don't notice his lack of social skill. Yep, some of them are likely to misbehave. I've discussed that with him; be friends, but know when to keep your distance.)
I'm glad your nephew's first case was nipped in the bud, and it worked out so well. For want of a nail, the war was lost.
There's a real code of silence around it. Kids won't tell. By the time they tell even a parent, they feel pretty bad. By the time they let you tell a teacher,... Going behind his back would have violated his trust in me, and said I didn't think he could solve it on his own. I wanted the teacher to be a resource he chose. I'm thankful things came to a head the way they did.
Your nephew's yard monitors obviously (to us) aren't the right person to go to. But to a kid, they are, and when they don't help, the kid loses all faith in adults.
You're in Ontario, right? Every school has a Child Youth Worker trained in this sort of thing. (They're not called Counselors any more.) They also have to have a bullying action plan -- the Province is very strict about this.
These days, they're about understanding and prevention and redirection and comfort, not about lashings and suspensions. (Suspensions are still used as a last resort, and combined with other tools.) They empower the victim, and help the bully.
Ideally, though, he and his parent (or other adult) can find a teacher, any teacher, they trust. That's one reason I help out a lot -- I get to know the teachers, and they get to know me. One teacher who takes it seriously can make a world of difference. The "proper" authorities, if any good, will totally understand if you go to a teacher you already know.
Son also said the adults ALL think the girl is absolutely wonderful, and all the kids know differently. I pointed out that his teacher was bullied herself. (It's part of her "who I am" speech every year. Her burn scar is very visible, and she got stitches from a bully.) Do you really think she doesn't know that bullies are good at hiding it? Son is thinking about that.
Oh, and more good news! This week they started 50 math drill questions for homework each night. I scribe the second half for him, because otherwise he's overwhelmed to the point of tears -- making him do it himself won't help him learn them. Last night we agreed which ones he'd do, and fifteen minutes later he came back with all 50 done!
In less good news, last night he said he was nervous about a test, and that he's nervous about all tests. He prefers pop quizes. He gets As and Bs -- no need to be nervous. Not that nerves pay attention to reality. He got a really bad tummy ache on the way to school, and claimed it was because of the test. I rarely got nervous about tests, so can't help him.
I left a message for the teacher about the great math homework and the test nerves. The nerves might be as much about the bullying, but he needs to learn how to deal with them. (The rest of the family rarely get nervous, and have no clue how to deal with it. I always feel nervousness )
And, just as I finished typing this, the teacher called.
She talked with Son to touch base. I think she talked with the other Mom. I don't really care about that -- keeping her family and mine apart is best, regardless of what she now thinks.
She's thrilled with the math -- it shows his stress was way down.
Teacher agrees Son has problems with nervousness, and will work on that. He gets nervous when she doesn't update the schedule each morning -- he gains security from a written plan.
Teacher spent an hour with the Child Youth Worker, who will start working with him. The CYW will go over his entire record, including the private testing two years ago (I don't remember if that includes the Aspergers' suspicion, but it definitely includes the high IQ in every area but social. He can remember groups of shapes better than average. He can't remember pictures of social groups.)
CYW plans to help him set up a formal, written Safety Plan. She will try random meetings and consider a schedule for him. Her room is almost home-like -- it's a refuge, not a bad place. (The office is that, too. Being sent to the office, or going to the office, is not a punishment. It's a place you can be alone, or think, or talk.) Son will be able to go there any time she's in. CYW will also become yet another adult he's comfortable with and knows him.
I know friends are an important part of a Safety Plan. As I said, some of his friends are disruptive kids, who are probably already known to the CYW. This is good -- a more knowledgeable adult will advise him on that.
Teacher will discuss nerves and test-taking with the entire class. She saw something on Oprah recently that she will try. The last bit of the day will be a journal of "What good happened? What did I learn? What do I wonder about?" She expects answers to be all over the map -- from "I didn't get my foot wet" to "I wonder why Girl teases me." She will review them, to see if anything needs discussing. She already asks the class and groups to help each other, and does a lot of community building, and will do even more. The class supports its own.
I love this teacher! She cares. She is committed. She didn't stop learning the minute she got her license. She is willing to share the load with with other professionals, and they talk. (I thanked her for that, and we laughed about when you go to a specialist doctor, he asks you, the layman, what the problem is.)
There will be waves. The other family still exists. Change is always scary. Good change is even scarier -- you don't know if it's safe to pin your hopes on it. But the boil has now been lanced.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Cricket
__________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space.
In that space is our power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
- Viktor E. Frankl
Posted by amyltrer on 20-03-2008 at 20:03:
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WOW, Met, that was an impressive proof of self-control. Speaking of bullying, not so long ago one of my class mates kept calling me a fat cow.
Granted, I am not that fat but she's half of my size and she knows I hate when I'm called that way. I nicely told her to stop. Once, twice, thrice. She didn't. Now, we teenagers have a herd like psychology. If one bullies you and you don't do anything about, others will start too.
One day she got me in a very bad mood. She sensed it and went to bully. Big mistake. Punch followed instantly. As I'm a fan of bulky silver rings and I have my fingers adorned with them the girl got her lip broken plus a nasty scratch across the ridge of her upper lip.
It was a big fuss made back then and I nealy got disciplinarily expelled for a week, but the form teacher understand she had her share of fault and decided to close an eye, otherwise we would both have been in trouble. My parents weren't happy either. Some of my mates who were in her clique avoided me for a while and I have the reputation of a brawler. In other words, I am not proud of it!
But she never crossed paths with me ever since. She even got a scar on her lip and got nicked Hare Lip.
So really, Met, congrats! Not everybody can act so wise in such situation, especially when he hold the physical adavantage.
__________________
It is the tiny spark of humanity that adds blaze to a villain
Posted by Metaliant on 20-03-2008 at 20:35:
Ouch, remind me not to stand near you when you start punching.
If the fucktard (sorry) would actually ride the bike, then I would try to push/pull him off but that was only possibility.
__________________
Eagle in Residence
Tempory Frisker
Posted by stardust on 20-03-2008 at 20:46:
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Now that's an interesting twist of karma for you. I hope she understood how much it hurt when she had called you names.
__________________
Stardust
A villain must be a thing of power, handled with delicacy and grace. He must be wicked enough to excite our aversion, strong enough to arouse our fear, human enough to awaken some transient gleam of sympathy. - Agnes Repplier
Posted by Metaliant on 20-03-2008 at 20:48:
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When I was younger, I was still using stabilizers when other kids who were the same age as me or younger weren't using them. It was embarrassing yes but when I eventually I got to the point where I didn't need them and when I was given my borther's Chopper bicycle I found I could ride it, but without that stupid seat and those handlebars, which were replaced by those I was comfortable. Ever since then I was properly the only one who couldn't get to ride it
as everybody else wanted a goal. Apparently it was better than all the BMXs and racers. 
__________________
Eagle in Residence
Tempory Frisker
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